Sunday, December 24, 2006

Boyfriend in my stocking

I'm pretty sure that Santa is planning on bringing me a boyfriend this Christmas. I mean, after all, I haven't had one this year. And, I totally deserve one and stuff. Not to mention that I was in a horrible car accident last week (Mica, you WHORE!). So, clearly there should be a high-quality boyfriend in my stocking tomorrow morning.

Of course, the question then becomes "Which boyfriend?" Who should Santa bring me to massage my aching neck and to count out my remaining percocet (hint: not enough)? I would suggest that Santa use the following list as a place to start (although, if he must shop off list, I would take a Gyllenhaal, I suppose). Here are some options, in alphabetical order.

  • Gideon Defoe. Pros: a witty author of hilarious books about pirates (and everyone loves pirates!), kinda hunky in a British way, has a very sexy first name (and last name for that matter). Cons: is the kind of author that my more serious friends might giggle about behind his back, may have traditional British commitment phobia, may not be willing to move to Santa Cruz.

  • Dave Eggers. Pros: one of the most talented contemporary authors, committed to writing instruction for underprivileged youth, runs an independent pirate-supply store, friends with famous and influential literary types (including David Byrne), from the Midwest originally (like me!). Cons: painfully sensitive could equal high maintenance, may be a little too clever, did once try out to be on MTV's "The Real World," constant feeling of inadequacy that I am not funny enough to be dating him, currently lives in Brooklyn (I think).

  • Justin Hartley. Pros: plays "Green Arrow" on Smallville and plans to organize a Justice League, starred in the ill-fated Aquaman pilot (why is this a pro? how can you not love a man who has played TWO superheroes!), has a criminally-delicious torso, would be excellent arm-candy for Literature Department Holiday parties, luscious smile. Cons: ummm, dating an actor? It would be fun and sexy and all, but do you think we'll talk much about Heidegger? On the other hand, I would like to like all that hair on his chest...

  • David Lat. Pros: he was my college roommate and so we know each other well, we're both internet personalities (of one sort or another), we successfully tested our sexual compatibility during sophomore year. Cons: he's pretty weirdly conservative, and a lawyer, and won't reply to my emails. Also, he has this strange romantic fixation on closeted-sodomite Nino Scalia.

  • Alex Ross. Pros: he writes my favorite column for the New Yorker and does my favorite music blog, he's a graduate of my alma mater, he hangs out with Matthew Barney and Bjork, and he always has something intelligent to write. Cons: Hmmm. I'm a bit stumped here. Is it possible that we were meant to be the perfect couple? Alex Ross, will you marry me?

  • Sufjan Stevens. Pros: he's the darling of adult-contemporary-indie music, he lived only miles away from me in Holland, Michigan, his music is ambitious, brilliant, and moving, he's a total hunk and yet seems completely genuine. Cons: he seems to be some sort of silly born-again Christian. And that's basically a dealbreaker.

  • Jeff Samardzija. Pros: he may be the best wide receiver in Notre Dame history, his nickname is "Shark," he will be drafted by an NFL team next spring and has already been drafted by the Chicago Cubs baseball organization. Oh, and have you seen him? Oh my. Cons: there might be a smidgen of an age difference between us, it's hard to be professional athlete with a gay boyfriend, no one could spell our hyphenated surname.
I know it's only 7 pm (PST), but I'm going to bed--I can't wait to see which hunk is waiting for me in my stocking tomorrow morning!


ted said...

It helps that Alex Ross is actually gay.

You and Lat hooked up sophomore year? And THEN he wrote all those columns!? Ack.

FOSCO said...

You'd be surprised at all of the hot gay conservative sex that goes on...

Oh wait--I don't think anyone would be that surprised.