Thursday, September 28, 2006

"It's all right, cause I'm... having sex with two ladies."

[N.B.: all links in this post are Safe for Work--mainly because the naughty bits haven't been leaked yet...]

Fosco is not ashamed to admit that he is a big fan of celebrity sex tapes. At the most basic level, Fosco likes to watch people having sex--what could be wrong with that? And then, if one of those people is either incredibly attractive (as many celebrities are) or incredibly famous... well, it just makes it better.

I think that another reason that I like celebrity sex tapes is that it allows a (somewhat) authentic glimpse into the private life of a person who we tend to encounter under extremely controlled circumstances. When you were in college, didn't you ever wonder what your professors were like at home? Didn't you ever find it titillating to run into them in the supermarket and to discover that they buy "Lucky Charms"? My fascination with sex tapes is similar.

As a connoisseur of celebrity sex tapes, I don't necessarily find all of them erotic, but I do find them all interesting: for every really hot tape (e.g., Colin Farrell), there is one that is unintentionally hilarious (e.g., Fred Durst. Poor, poor Fred Durst) or mildly disturbing (e.g., Tonya Harding). So naturally, I was salivating to see a headline proclaiming a "Saved by the Bell" sex tape!

If you were to hear the words "Saved by the Bell" and "sex tape" in the same sentence, what would you think?

I know that I would have my fingers crossed, repeating over and over again: "Mario Lopez... Please let it be Mario Lopez"

Or perhaps you might think: "This isn't news--I already saw Showgirls."

But no. Apparently the universe has a sense of humor because this newly-discovered sex tape is of... Screech.

The full tape is still not available (not, at least, to my knowledge), but you can see the non-naughty beginning and read some details about the rest of it here (courtesy of TMZ.com).

As far as I'm concerned, there are three juicy teasers:

1. Reportedly, Screech sexually frolics with (my apologies to Kander & Ebb) "two ladies" (Beedle dee, dee dee dee).

2. At one point, Screech gives one of the girls a [shudder] "dirty sanchez"--that disgusting meme of recent pop culture (anyone remember that episode of Veronica Mars last season where a character makes a "dirty sanchez" joke? That may be the filthiest joke I've ever seen on network TV. Not that I'm complaining).

3. In his post-coital monologue into the camera, he suggests that this tape should result in him gaining a certain number of "points" in what is apparently some kind of sex contest with "Mark." The source of the extra points is bleeped in the video, but you can read his lips... (and there is context). More tantalizingly, who is Mark? Could it be his SbtB castmate Mark-Paul Gosselaar? And if so, don't you think that Mark is outscoring him by like a million points?

The whole thing makes you wonder whether, despite the fact that the only appropriate feelings to have toward his character on "Saved by the Bell" were pity and mockery, Dustin Diamond may be having a cooler life than you are. And what do you suppose Jaleel White is up to? I bet it's dirty.

Now, I'm not saying I would pay to see Screech's sex tape. Well, actually, maybe I would. At any rate, if you come across a copy, send it to your Uncle Fosco.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Two Truths and a Lie

Even though I'm hella busy with school and all, I don't want this blog to turn into one of those "funny/weird picture/story of the day/week" blogs (can you handle that many slashes?). So don't worry, some original, extensive posts are in the works for this week (including the weekly restaurant review and a totally invented "conversation" with Jennifer Egan). However, I'm only human (of flesh and blood I'm made) and cannot, CANNOT!, resist pointing out three interesting titbits of fun from the news/blogosphere.

  • I know that today's gay youth think they're so clever because they've invented/redefined a whole bunch of words that then function both as a secret language and as a semi-discreet identity signal. Although, sadly, the American Academy of Arts and Letters has yet to recognize and honor the originators of terms like "boi," "fierce," and "power bottom." Now it may come as a surprise (especially to anyone who regularly uses the term "power bottom") that there were gay men in England in the 1950s and 60s (to paraphrase Mary-Kate or Ashley: "Bummer, I didn't know people were gay in the past"). Even more interesting is that they had a slang all their own. It was called "Polari" and it is described here.

    Now just think... if I were to learn Polari, I could totally say things to my gay pals and you straight people wouldn't understand a word of it! That's awesome! Wouldn't you straight people feel totally left out!
    I'm going to try it:
    Fosco [to his personal assistant Geoffrey]: Did you see that bitch in drag? I would need a really strong bevvy before I would blow that trade.
    Wow, you straight people must be so confused right now. Don't worry, I won't use it too much around you.

  • Two of my most beloved camp icons--oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to slip into Polari there, let me start over.

    Two of my most beloved effeminate and outrageous icons are Lady Miss Kier of Deee-Lite and the video game journalist/hottie/fabulon Ulala from Space Channel 5 (why don't they make more computer games for homosexuals?). But it never occurred to me that they were exactly the same person!

    At least that's what Lady Kier's lawsuit alleged. Unfortunately, Lady Miss Kier lost. Which makes me sad.

    But I can't stay sad when I watch Ulala dancing her way through space:



That girl is so bona... I mean fierce! I love you, Ulala! Write me!

  • This last story is hilarious, but laughing at it makes me seem a bit cruel. Let's just file it under "Why It's Good that Fosco Will Never Have Kids." In my defense, it wouldn't be so funny if anyone had been seriously hurt. And, it's not like the getting hurt is the funny part anyway... Oh well, that's enough of an apologia. Okay.

    So there's this four-year-old kid in Mountain View, CA (the South Bay) who went to a park on a picnic with his mother. When his mother unwrapped her muffin, an extremely aggressive squirrel attacked the boy, scratching and biting him (this isn't the funny part).

    You can read the whole story here [San Jose Mercury News].

    Here's a funny part:
    As for Andrew, he's still trying to make sense of the assault. He declared he's never going into a park with trees ever again, his mother said, and he keeps telling everyone the squirrel was trying to eat him.

    In a dark and twisted way, this would have been great material for Bill Cosby and that goddamn "funny things kids say" show.

    Ah, but I've saved the best for last:
    "My mommy said the squirrel sneaked down behind me and he was hugging me, but when he kissed me it was really a scratch,'' he recalled Monday. "I fell down, and he fell on me, and . . . and he's still on, and yeah, he was crazy. I don't know what he was trying to do.''
    This is the reason that I feel justified in laughing at parts of this story. The woman told her son that the squirrel was trying to HUG HIM? And then she told him that the squirrel's bite was A KISS? WTF? Why on earth would the woman say that? Even if you felt like you had to lie to your child, is this the best lie you could come up with? And why would you lie in the first place? Can't you just explain that some squirrels are bad--in the same way that some dogs/birds/etc. are bad and you should be careful around them?

    Why would you try to map the domain of physical affection (hugs, kisses) onto an extremely traumatic and painful experience? Doesn't this seem like a bad idea? Shouldn't physical affection have positive associations? That lie is absurd.

    Yes, I know, I "don't understand what it's like to have a four-year-old." Thank goodness.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

So Upsetting...

Just because it's Tuesday, here's a little something to freak you out:
That poor (though apparently quite slow) woman is actually a judge of the javelin contest. Read a little more about this mishap here.

How is it that Jarts are illegal and yet we let steroid-enraged He-Men launch these things?

Come to think of it, it's actually pretty remarkable that neither I nor any of my cousins lost an eye playing Jarts as children (because underhand is for sissies.)

My stomach is a little woopsy now. I think I need a ginger ale.

Monday, September 25, 2006

From the Annals of Joss Whedon Studies

Now I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly/Serenity as much as any English graduate student of my generation, but the thought has occasionally crossed my mind that their Creator, Joss Whedon, is not quite as brilliant as he would like to think. After all, he did have an (uncredited) hand in that ridiculous script for X-Men (although it is a matter of debate how much responsibility he had for the clunkiest line in the film).

But, even if he is brilliant (and I'm still not totally convinced), I still suspect he is kind of a jackass. Have you ever noticed how, in interviews, he's kind of full of himself? And now I present to you some further evidence.

The email below was passed on to me by my lone sibling (I'm being purposely vague here), who has a friend who applied for an internship with Whedon (his first mistake). The applicant was so excited about receiving this email that he forwarded it to tons of his friends (his second mistake). I've redacted his first and last name and one other name (presumably the name of Whedon's assistant), but left the rest of the email as I received it. I have no other means of convincing you of its authenticity other than to tell you that I believe it is real. My sibling thought it was clever. I disagree. See what you think:

Hello Mr. [surname redacted]. Do you mind if I call you [first name redacted]? I hope not, 'cause I'm gonna. I suppose if you don't like it, you could always put little sticky notes over the screen. Although I have to let you know that that makes scrolling exceedingly difficult. It can be done, now-- I know!-- but it is not for the faint of heart. Or faint of scrolling.

Mr. Whedon is unfortunately not looking for any more interns right now. He is looking for a house cleaner, because he has trouble with the concept that his messiness does make a wonderful home for all sorts of bugs, and eventually he won't be able to blame it all on his four year old son.

KAI: Honey...what happened in here?
JOSS: [(indifferently, and he's LAZY too!] What do you mean?
KAI: [unnaturally shrill--this happens a lot] There are pieces of at
least four sandwiches, a completely uneaten salad--
JOSS: Oops.
KAI: --thousands of crumpled pieces of paper--
JOSS: I'm an artist!
KAI: --and more than 5 porno magazines all over the floor!
[Long silence.]
JOSS: What was Arden thinking?!

However bleak the prospect seems of working with Mr. Whedon in the near future in a professional film industry capacity, do not fret, for fear is the path to the dark side. There are lots of learning internships out there that could eventually lead to directly working with the man himself. Universal Pictures, Lion's Gate, DreamWorks, Warner Bros. Movies, View Askew, New Line Cinemas, Revolution Studios, Paramount Pictures, Troma Entertainment, Miramax, and Fine Line Features all have headquarters in or near New York, and they'd probably love to have you, so long as you aren't very stupid, very ugly, or very much interested in working for FOX.

I DID NOT EVER SAY THAT.

If you email back your interests and preferences to this address (which forwards to both [redacted] and Joss Whedon), I would be happy to dig around and see if I can ferret out any good internships. When I say good, I mean terrible, but at least your clothes stay relatively clean; there is no such thing as a good internship. Once I know what you are looking for, perhaps I could set you up some meetings with important people whose cuff links are so expensive they make you rather uncomfortable. Also, congratulations on getting an internship for this summer! Most kids your age are not nearly so far into
the industry, unless their last name is Spelling or Coppola.

...Are you a Coppola? If so, I recommend changing your last name, at least until the opportune moment. If you're one of the Spellings, I'm terribly sorry for your loss, and terribly sorry about the rest of your relations.

I DID NOT EVER SAY THAT.

I hope you have a good evening sir, and do get back to me soon, as I have much procrastinating to do, and surprisingly little to fill my time that isn't my actual job. I look forward to hearing from you again!

--The Crazy People You Emailed
Does this email annoy you as much as it does me? I send my best wishes to all you potential Whedon interns out there--based on this email, working for him would make me tired.