Two Truths and a Lie

Even though I'm hella busy with school and all, I don't want this blog to turn into one of those "funny/weird picture/story of the day/week" blogs (can you handle that many slashes?). So don't worry, some original, extensive posts are in the works for this week (including the weekly restaurant review and a totally invented "conversation" with Jennifer Egan). However, I'm only human (of flesh and blood I'm made) and cannot, CANNOT!, resist pointing out three interesting titbits of fun from the news/blogosphere.

• I know that today's gay youth think they're so clever because they've invented/redefined a whole bunch of words that then function both as a secret language and as a semi-discreet identity signal. Although, sadly, the American Academy of Arts and Letters has yet to recognize and honor the originators of terms like "boi," "fierce," and "power bottom." Now it may come as a surprise (especially to anyone who regularly uses the term "power bottom") that there were gay men in England in the 1950s and 60s (to paraphrase Mary-Kate or Ashley: "Bummer, I didn't know people were gay in the past"). Even more interesting is that they had a slang all their own. It was called "Polari" and it is described here.
  
  Now just think... if I were to learn Polari, I could totally say things to my gay pals and you straight people wouldn't understand a word of it! That's awesome! Wouldn't you straight people feel totally left out!
  I'm going to try it:
  

  Fosco [to his personal assistant Geoffrey]: Did you see that bitch in drag? I would need a really strong bevvy before I would blow that trade.

  Wow, you straight people must be so confused right now. Don't worry, I won't use it too much around you.
  
  
• Two of my most beloved camp icons--oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to slip into Polari there, let me start over.
  
  Two of my most beloved effeminate and outrageous icons are Lady Miss Kier of Deee-Lite and the video game journalist/hottie/fabulon Ulala from Space Channel 5 (why don't they make more computer games for homosexuals?). But it never occurred to me that they were exactly the same person!
  
  At least that's what Lady Kier's lawsuit alleged. Unfortunately, Lady Miss Kier lost. Which makes me sad.
  
  But I can't stay sad when I watch Ulala dancing her way through space:

That girl is so bona... I mean fierce! I love you, Ulala! Write me!

• This last story is hilarious, but laughing at it makes me seem a bit cruel. Let's just file it under "Why It's Good that Fosco Will Never Have Kids." In my defense, it wouldn't be so funny if anyone had been seriously hurt. And, it's not like the getting hurt is the funny part anyway... Oh well, that's enough of an apologia. Okay.
  
  So there's this four-year-old kid in Mountain View, CA (the South Bay) who went to a park on a picnic with his mother. When his mother unwrapped her muffin, an extremely aggressive squirrel attacked the boy, scratching and biting him (this isn't the funny part).
  
  You can read the whole story here [San Jose Mercury News].
  
  Here's a funny part:
  

  As for Andrew, he's still trying to make sense of the assault. He declared he's never going into a park with trees ever again, his mother said, and he keeps telling everyone the squirrel was trying to eat him.

  
  In a dark and twisted way, this would have been great material for Bill Cosby and that goddamn "funny things kids say" show.
  
  Ah, but I've saved the best for last:
  

  "My mommy said the squirrel sneaked down behind me and he was hugging me, but when he kissed me it was really a scratch,'' he recalled Monday. "I fell down, and he fell on me, and . . . and he's still on, and yeah, he was crazy. I don't know what he was trying to do.''

  This is the reason that I feel justified in laughing at parts of this story. The woman told her son that the squirrel was trying to HUG HIM? And then she told him that the squirrel's bite was A KISS? WTF? Why on earth would the woman say that? Even if you felt like you had to lie to your child, is this the best lie you could come up with? And why would you lie in the first place? Can't you just explain that some squirrels are bad--in the same way that some dogs/birds/etc. are bad and you should be careful around them?
  
  Why would you try to map the domain of physical affection (hugs, kisses) onto an extremely traumatic and painful experience? Doesn't this seem like a bad idea? Shouldn't physical affection have positive associations? That lie is absurd.
  
  Yes, I know, I "don't understand what it's like to have a four-year-old." Thank goodness.