"It's all right, cause I'm... having sex with two ladies."

[N.B.: all links in this post are Safe for Work--mainly because the naughty bits haven't been leaked yet...]

Fosco is not ashamed to admit that he is a big fan of celebrity sex tapes. At the most basic level, Fosco likes to watch people having sex--what could be wrong with that? And then, if one of those people is either incredibly attractive (as many celebrities are) or incredibly famous... well, it just makes it better.

I think that another reason that I like celebrity sex tapes is that it allows a (somewhat) authentic glimpse into the private life of a person who we tend to encounter under extremely controlled circumstances. When you were in college, didn't you ever wonder what your professors were like at home? Didn't you ever find it titillating to run into them in the supermarket and to discover that they buy "Lucky Charms"? My fascination with sex tapes is similar.

As a connoisseur of celebrity sex tapes, I don't necessarily find all of them erotic, but I do find them all interesting: for every really hot tape (e.g., Colin Farrell), there is one that is unintentionally hilarious (e.g., Fred Durst. Poor, poor Fred Durst) or mildly disturbing (e.g., Tonya Harding). So naturally, I was salivating to see a headline proclaiming a "Saved by the Bell" sex tape!

If you were to hear the words "Saved by the Bell" and "sex tape" in the same sentence, what would you think?

I know that I would have my fingers crossed, repeating over and over again: "Mario Lopez... Please let it be Mario Lopez"

Or perhaps you might think: "This isn't news--I already saw Showgirls."

But no. Apparently the universe has a sense of humor because this newly-discovered sex tape is of... Screech.

The full tape is still not available (not, at least, to my knowledge), but you can see the non-naughty beginning and read some details about the rest of it here (courtesy of TMZ.com).

As far as I'm concerned, there are three juicy teasers:

1. Reportedly, Screech sexually frolics with (my apologies to Kander & Ebb) "two ladies" (Beedle dee, dee dee dee).

2. At one point, Screech gives one of the girls a [shudder] "dirty sanchez"--that disgusting meme of recent pop culture (anyone remember that episode of Veronica Mars last season where a character makes a "dirty sanchez" joke? That may be the filthiest joke I've ever seen on network TV. Not that I'm complaining).

3. In his post-coital monologue into the camera, he suggests that this tape should result in him gaining a certain number of "points" in what is apparently some kind of sex contest with "Mark." The source of the extra points is bleeped in the video, but you can read his lips... (and there is context). More tantalizingly, who is Mark? Could it be his SbtB castmate Mark-Paul Gosselaar? And if so, don't you think that Mark is outscoring him by like a million points?

The whole thing makes you wonder whether, despite the fact that the only appropriate feelings to have toward his character on "Saved by the Bell" were pity and mockery, Dustin Diamond may be having a cooler life than you are. And what do you suppose Jaleel White is up to? I bet it's dirty.

Now, I'm not saying I would pay to see Screech's sex tape. Well, actually, maybe I would. At any rate, if you come across a copy, send it to your Uncle Fosco.