An Open Letter to the Harvard Corporation

To Members of the Selection Committee for the New Harvard President:

I am beginning to develop the suspicion that the Harvard Presidency is a lot like the job of Head Football Coach at the University of Notre Dame: it's one of those jobs that seems desirable to the general public, but no one well-qualified for it actually wants it. Who really wants to try to wrangle with such a notoriously arrogant and powerful faculty?

But if that isn't the case, allow me to throw my full support behind Amy Gutmann. Her qualifications are exceptional:

• current president of Penn, responsible for their recent return to academic relevance.
  
• brilliant political theorist at Princeton.
  
• Harvard College alumna, with a Harvard PhD.

But the most important reason for my support of Dr. Gutmann is that she is smokingly hot. In the above picture, you can see her (bottom) in relation to another potential Harvard Presidential candidate, Ruth Simmons of Brown (top). This excellent comparison (thoughtfully provided by the NYTimes) demonstrates that, while Dr Simmons may be an excellent leader and administrator, she cannot compete with the sheer wattage of the delectable Dr. Gutmann. I mean, look at her. Damn.

With the pulchritudinous Dr. Gutmann at the helm, think of what Harvard could do! It would not be an exaggeration to say that Dr. Gutmann would be the most attractive Harvard President since the coy and dainty Increase Mather--and remember all of the amazing things that she did!

If it will assist in the decision-making process, allow me to commit to a donation in the amount of $10 million to Harvard University contingent on the appointment of Luscious Amy as President.

Sincerely,
[Redacted], Harvard Class of [redacted]

P.S.: Can you give Amy my email address? I want to ask her how she gets her skin so radiant.