There are really only two ways to drink Coke...

You have to admire the rhetorical skills of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Clemons Thomas. After all, this is the man who asked that timeless question: "Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?" Truly, that was a question that defined a generation. (N.B.: the answer is her).

Now Justice Thomas has offered new guidance for our troubled times in a lecture helpfully entitled "How to Read the Constitution" (hint: it starts with "We"). You can find Justice Thomas's speech here (if you don't mind the Wall Street Journal cooties on your browser).

For me, the highlight of Justice Thomas's lecture is this remarkable sentence:

Let me put it this way; there are really only two ways to interpret the Constitution -- try to discern as best we can what the framers intended or make it up.

You may not have noticed, but this sentence is an amazing rhetorical construction.

To demonstrate the sleight-of-hand here and its power, allow me remove the specific content of the final two clauses (everything after the "--") and replace that content with general descriptions of each clause:

Let me put it this way; there are really only two ways to interpret the Constitution-- [my way] or [everything else].

Doesn't the choice become painfully clear? And note that this construction becomes even more coercive when [everything else] becomes equated with something as irresponsible-sounding as "make it up." Wow. We are clearly dealing with high-level legal reasoning here.

And it's fun! Behold the magic:

Let me put it this way; there are really only two ways to swim--backstroke or flail your arms and legs (rhythmically or not).

Let me put it this way; there are really only two sexual orientations--heterosexuality or fuck anything. (Wait, this one sounds familiar...)

Let me put it this way; there are really only two choices for dinner--lasagna or some combination of some subset of the rest of the matter in the universe.

But you get the idea... Kids--try your own at home!