You're no mystery to me, Miss California.

On occasion, "Music Monday" requires a bit of setup.

Sometimes it feels like we meet someone loathsome every week. Last week, it was Miss California, Carrie Prejean. Prejean, who looks like nothing so much as a vinyl effigy of Elizabeth Berkley, was the frontrunner in last week's Miss USA Pageant--until, as you know, she was asked about her position on same-sex marriage. Her answer has become famous by now, especially in courses on how NOT to win Miss USA.



Indeed, Carrie's plea for "opposite marriage" (only, of course, in "[her] country"--wherever that is...) seems to have cost her the crown. Instead, our bronzed rack of lamb had to settle for First Runner-Up. Unfortunately, her consolation prize was merely to co-host the "Today" show for a couple of days. This is particularly sad as, if she had won the crown, she would gotten a much better gig. Like, um, cutting the ribbon at the new Food Lion in Greensboro, NC. Hang in there, Carrie--you'll make it someday!

Naturally, she immediately became a political figure. Insane people loved her "courage." Equally insane people hated her. Prejean herself attempted to crazy up her image a little, blathering about being "biblically correct." Eventually, someone finally noted that she had her facts wrong anyway. And somehow, we all cringed to discover that she casually dates Michael Phelps (has he made one good decision outside of a swimming pool?).

Now Fosco doesn't want to hate on Miss California too much. After all, asking beauty queens about politics is a recipe for disaster--as far as I'm concerned, she just mostly made herself look bigoted and stupid for posterity. (Although, whether we should be taking her "opinion" seriously for the rest of the week is a different question altogether.) And besides, no one has been able to adequately explain to me why two infinitely more loathsome people were on stage with her that evening (that would be Perez Hilton and Billy Bush). Carrie's clearly the distant third in that trio of repulsiveness.

What the hell does any of this have to do with music? I am pleased that you asked. Fosco's annoyance with Miss California last week was decidedly attenuated by his discovery of the song "Miss California" by his beloved Jack's Mannequin. Somehow, Fosco had managed to overlook this song (which is a bonus track on The Glass Passenger) until last week. For some reason, imagining Carrie Prejean as the Miss California named in the song makes Fosco laugh--a lot. Perhaps it has something to do with the lyrics:

But I'm gonna take you to my boxcar on the beach
And I'm gonna hang the sun above your bed
And soak your hair in bleach

You'll be missed Miss California
You'll be kissed by only me
When they can't find you, you'll turn into a mystery
but you're no mystery to me, Miss California.

Yes, these lyrics are a little creepy (or, as Oz suggested, a little "kidnap-ey"), but the song itself is really a great sing-a-long pop jewel. And of course, I'm not advocating the abduction of Carrie Prejean; however, these are the kinds of silly fantasies that stupid people have about beauty queens (and that Jack's Mannequin is clearly mocking in this song). It's just a funny song that is made funnier when you imagine Prejean's semisynthetic face in the middle of the narrative.

Sadly, the best version that I've been able to find online is this live video from YouTube. It's not a terrible performance (the energy is high), but you should probably find a way to listen to the studio version.



Also, why does he keep trying to stand up? Sit down!

Oh, and if you'd like a "bonus track" from Jack's Mannequin, listen to this excellent cover of MGMT's "Kids"--good stuff.

Postcards from the End of Capitalism

Fosco doesn't like to write about our ongoing economic collapse. For one thing, it's hella depressing. For another thing, Fosco is no economist and he truly believes that, with the exception of maybe thirty or forty people in this country (including David Harvey), no one else knows what they're talking about when it comes to the economics of this mess. And so it's probably better for all of the know-nothings (Fosco included) to shut up and cede the field to people who know something.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't occasionally stories that need to be told. Nor does that mean that stupid ideas shouldn't be mocked. And so, Fosco brings you a roundup of several notable stories from the last week or so of economic melting...

• Just in case you thought the global economic troubles were only affecting rich people (and you would be thinking that... why?), allow this BBC article to reassure you that the poor are getting theirs too. See:
  

  In a new report, the IMF says poor countries face greater exposure to the current crisis because they are more integrated into the international economy than they used to be.
  
  They are likely to feel the impact through a downturn in trade and falls in foreign investment and remittances - money sent home by people working abroad, the fund adds.
  
  The report says more than 20 countries, half of them in Sub-Saharan Africa, are particularly vulnerable.

  I don't know why this is a surprise to anyone. Either way, it's more bad news for the global poor.
  
  
• Speaking of global collapse, things aren't too rosy in Ireland, either. Hey, remember when Walnuts McCain touted all the magically delicious Irish corporate tax policy? I'm not sure that's working too well, right now.
  
  Like most other wealthy Western nations, Ireland is in money trouble. And they're raising taxes and cutting spending (as a government must do in this situation). But, unlike the US, Ireland has decided to raise taxes and cut pay for all citizens. As you may expect, this is creating a wave of populist anger:
  

  The government is simultaneously raiding the National Pensions Reserve Fund for euro7 billion ($8.8 billion) to support the country's two biggest banks and has taken over a scandal-stricken third, Anglo Irish, after its directors were discovered hiding their own loans and losses.
  
  More than 100,000 workers marched last month on the parliament to demand that the nation's tax-exile elite — and even its billionaire rock icons, U2 — be forced to pay far more to keep their country from drowning in red ink.
  
  Unions representing 700,000 workers in this country of 4 million are balloting members to strike, among them the Irish Nursing Organization. It argues that the government should be seizing the assets of bankers and property developers who helped bring one of Europe's most vibrant economies to its knees, not squeezing life-and-death services.

  Fosco is certainly on board with punitive seizure of the assets of the crooks who fucked everything up. But, even more so, Fosco loves the idea of taxing the hell out of U2--mainly because of their terrible new CD.
  
  
• I'm sure the whole Madoff saga could be sadder: it could still be revealed that his primary investors included a litter of terminally ill puppies. But, in the absence of dying baby animals, this might be the next saddest thing. You know Holocaust survivor and Nobel Peace Prize-winner Elie Wiesel? Well, Madoff stole his money. And not just his money, but the entire endowment of Wiesel's foundation--a foundation with the mission "to combat indifference, intolerance and injustice through international dialogue and youth-focused programs that promote acceptance, understanding and equality." As this article notes:
  

  He said the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity had $15.2 million under management with Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, substantially all of its assets. Wiesel said he and his wife also lost personal investments, but he did not disclose the amount.

  And now, the eighty-year-old Wiesel is faced with a nasty moral dilemma in the twilight of his life: how to respond to someone like Madoff? Well, as far as Fosco is concerned, Wiesel has made the right choice: refusing forgiveness.
  

  "Could I forgive him? No," Wiesel said during a discussion, "Madoff and the Meltdown," hosted by Conde Nast Portfolio magazine. "First of all, it would mean he would come on his knees and ask for forgiveness. He wouldn't do that."

  Even if he did, I hope Wiesel could find it in his heart to refuse forgiveness.
  
  
• And this is where things start to take a turn toward the ridiculous. You know how greed, lack of regulation, and laissez-faire capitalism may be just a little bit to blame for our current troubles? So naturally the Bible of that brand of capitalism, Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, is more popular than it has been in years. Wait. What?
  
  Gawker is flummoxed by this development, wondering how such "libertarian porn" could seem relevant right now. HuffPo weighs in on the broader question of a revival of Randism, noting that the Right has decided to "double down" on Rand's deluded fantasies in opposition to tax increases on the super-rich. Somehow, I don't really see this working very well.
  
  However, in fairness to the book, Atlas Shrugged does have a nice art deco cover--which should please the BeeMaster.
  
  
• If Ayn Rand is to be believed, we should be genuflecting to the Masters of Capitalism, because they're all better than the rest of us. They're smarter, more vigorous, more heroic. Clearly, she means the CEOs of our major US banks (among others). Clearly then, we should be paying rapt attention to these people, hoping for nuggets of their wisdom.
  
  Luckily, stories like this can help us to understand the minds of these Gods on Earth. You may want to take notes as former Bear Stearns CEO Jimmy Cayne shares with us his informed and insightful opinion about Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner:
  

  "This guy thinks he's got a big d--. He's got nothing, except maybe a boyfriend."

  Charming. Classy. Stop: you're both right!
  
  Wait, have we been trusting our entire American financial system to a bunch of foul-mouthed frat boys? This guy is one of Wall Street's "best and brightest"? No wonder our economy is fucked: trillions of dollars of wealth evaporates and this guy wants to have a dick-measuring contest?
  
  I think this bodes badly. In his doomsayer blog Clusterfuck Nation, professional pessimist James Howard Kunstler has been wondering how much time we have
  

  before the public simply goes apeshit and starts burning down Greenwich, Connecticut.

  All I know is that people like Jimmy Cayne make me want to grab my torch and sharpen my pitchfork.

Books mentioned in this post can be purchased:

Is Jesus Too Nice?

Ideas are resilient things; they never die. Even when an idea goes out of style (no matter how deservedly) it will always return at some point in the future. Otherwise, how to explain the popularity of things like leeches or swing dancing? While this may be comforting news to someone like Fosco who loves out-of-style ideas like Baked Alaska and Communism, it also means that all of history's bad ideas are (at most) only a decade or so away from revival.

Even though Fosco (mostly) believes this theory, he wasn't exactly expecting the recent return of Calvinism. (For those of you who are godless heathens, that's theological Calvinism, not illustrational Calivinism.) Theological Calvinism maintains, among other things, that (and Fosco is no theologian here, so please cut me some slack) individual salvation was determined in advance by God and there is nothing that a human being can do to affect their eternal fate. Some are predestined for heaven; some are predestined for hell. And there's nothing anyone can do about (including understanding why God would even do such a thing).

Calvinists arrive at this conclusion through the belief that there is nothing at all redeemable about humans, that they are corrupted through and through. So naturally, there is no way that a human could ever do anything that would result in pleasing God. Ergo, anyone who ends up in heaven must do so contingent on God's unknowable pleasure, rather than as a reward for anything that could be done on earth. It's kind of like a supernatural lottery. Actually, it's exactly like a supernatural lottery. And as religious faiths go, it's not exactly one of the warm and fuzzy ones.

You might think that such a faith would be radically out-of-touch with any but the most annoying of contemporary Christians. Well, you're right. But it seems that there are a lot more of these annoying people than you expected. According to a profile in Sunday's NYTimes Magazine, Calvinism is making a comeback, especially among youth in major urban centers like Seattle. According to the piece, one of the stars of the movement is Mark Driscoll:

Driscoll, who is 38, is on the cutting edge of American pop culture. Yet his message seems radically unfashionable, even un-American: you are not captain of your soul or master of your fate but a depraved worm whose hard work and good deeds will get you nowhere, because God marked you for heaven or condemned you to hell before the beginning of time. Yet a significant number of young people in Seattle — and nationwide — say this is exactly what they want to hear. Calvinism has somehow become cool, and just as startling, this generally bookish creed has fused with a macho ethos.

A macho Calvinism? What the hell would that look like? It's worse than you think:

On that Sunday, Driscoll preached for an hour and 10 minutes — nearly three times longer than most pastors. As hip as he looks, his message brooks no compromise with Seattle’s permissive culture. New members can keep their taste in music, their retro T-shirts and their intimidating facial hair, but they had better abandon their feminism, premarital sex and any “modern” interpretations of the Bible. Driscoll is adamantly not the “weepy worship dude” he associates with liberal and mainstream evangelical churches, “singing prom songs to a Jesus who is presented as a wuss who took a beating and spent a lot of time putting product in his long hair.”

Ummm. Okay. Fosco would just like to point out that, based on all the pictures we have, Jesus' hair is a bit too long for product--you really can't style hair of that length. As if product would have held up in that heat, anyway!

Sick of this guy yet? It gets better:

The mainstream church, Driscoll has written, has transformed Jesus into “a Richard Simmons, hippie, queer Christ,” a “neutered and limp-wristed popular Sky Fairy of pop culture that . . . would never talk about sin or send anyone to hell.”

Richard Simmons! (Incidentally, Richard Simmons is another man whose hair is not amenable to product.) You know, I tend to think that if Jesus was worried about comparisons to Richard Simmons, He probably wouldn't have kept forcing his disciples to weigh in while telling everyone to "love your neighbor as yourself, girl!" I think it's also worth pointing out that Richard Simmons has already sent fifteen people to hell (mostly drifters). But seriously, just when you think Christianity can't get any more homophobic, some nuts go and "out" Jesus.

Of course, all of this macho Jesus shit is going to sound just a little familiar to any of you who have studied Victorian culture. Back then, it was called muscular Christianity and it celebrated physical activity and manliness as Christian virtue. It was also an influential movement in the US. As far as Fosco knows, it wasn't a particularly Calvinist thing; however, in the same way that ideas never die, they also endlessly recombine to form stupid new remixes.

Next week's stupid remix: Jews for Jesus. Oh wait, that's real. Ummm. How about compassionate Conservatism? Oh really? That one's real too? Gee. Maybe "lesbians who love being teabagged"? Does that work?

Incoherent Ravings of a Nazi (Not Tom Cruise!)

It's like that Paula Abdul reality show--Fosco knows he shouldn't pay attention, but he cannot look away. That's how he feels about the whole neo-Nazi cake imbroglio which is churning the blogosphere today (even here at Fosco Lives!). Obviously, it's just not reasonable to get upset and spill so much (virtual) ink whenever some white trash troglodyte does something half-witted. And yet, there is just something about this story that makes Fosco want to try to work through it (again and again...).

Well, things got even more inexplicable today as little Adolf Hitler's father spoke to the national press. Some highlights:

"I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past."

"There's a new president and he says it's time for a change; well, then it's time for a change."

"Yeah, they [the Nazis] were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that."

"Other kids get their cake. I get a hard time. It's not fair to my children. How can a name be offensive?"

Maddening. I think it's pretty clear that this guy is not playing the same language game as the rest of us. I mean, there is absolutely no evidence of a semi-coherent worldview behind these statements. And by "semi-coherent worldview," I don't mean a logically-rigorous philosophy of life (who amongst us has that?); rather, I mean something more like an everyday understanding of reality. What is this guy? Some kind of schizophrenic? It's just so fascinating!

Little Nazis Everywhere

See that kid? The first surprise is that he's a boy. The second surprise is that he's named Adolf Hitler. Consequently, the third surprise is not much of a surprise: he lives in a mobile home.

Sadly, this rural New Jersey (really?) toddler has come to the attention of America because the local supermarket refused to frost his name on a cake (apparently, the decorator didn't want the cake to end up on Cake Wrecks [UPDATE: Unbeknownst to Fosco, Cake Wrecks ran with this story yesterday and was sorry.]).

More interesting, of course, is the window on this trainwreck of an American family. Sadly, authorities allowed these people to have three kids:

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Good names for a trio of toddlers? Heath and Deborah Campbell think so. The Holland Township couple has picked those names and the oldest child, Adolf Hitler Campbell, turns 3 today.

And yes, "Honszlynn Hinler" is not a typo. It's also not the name of a Nazi (as far as Fosco can tell). Were they trying for Himmler?

Skeptical? Luckily, the local paper also included a photo gallery showing the kids' birth certificates (as well as some of the decor at the Campbell home--yes, it's as bad as you think).

Hold on. Let's just stop for a minute. Where the fuck is Child Protective Services in New Jersey? How does this not qualify as child abuse? Fosco almost wants to call this one in himself.

Fosco estimates that young Adolf has about two or three more years before his upbringing turns him into a permanently-twisted, repulsive little monster. The clock is ticking, State of New Jersey...

Freedom-Loving Neighbours Cry Maple Tears

[This one goes out to all of Fosco's peeps from north of the border (this is for you, M&L).]

We (Americans) can be forgiven if the horror of the George W. Bush era has distracted us from noticing that Canada managed to elect its very own W as prime minister (since 2006!). His name is Stephen Harper and you can see him in the photo at right about to devour a helpless kitten. Harper and Bush share a "philosophy" (as if anything George Bush believes could be described as a "philosophy"...) Actually, you might even say that they are "friends." At least that's what GWB says in this official State Department transcript:

PRESIDENT BUSH: We talked about -- well, we talked about a lot of subjects, and that's what you'd expect friends to do.

Mr. Prime Minister, the floor is yours. I'm proud you're here, and thanks for coming.

PRIME MINISTER HARPER: Well, thank you very much, Mr. President, for the invitation and for the kind words. And thank you for doing something I never thought I'd see, which is have the Canadian media stand when I entered the room. But we certainly enjoy that.

(Begins to speak in French.)

(Returns to speaking English.) The United States and Canada have a strong relationship, strong and firm relationship based on the largest commerce and social interaction in the history of any two countries of the world, and we were able to discuss a wide range of bilateral and international matters where we, more often than not, share common values and common objectives.

Can I just note that my favorite part of this official State Department transcript (no lie!) is the parenthetical "(Begins to speak in French)" which is not only not translated into English but not transcribed at all! That's how much the State Dept. cares about French. Harper could have said that he was the meat in a Bush daughters sandwich and no one would have noticed--at least no one at the State Dept.

But back to the point at hand. Apparently, Canada is having second thoughts about re-electing Harper (only two months ago) and Parliament (the Canadian word for "Congress") is preparing a confidence vote that will effectively end Harper's prime ministry. Except that the vote won't happen, because today Harper suspended Parliament until the end of January. Fosco's grasp of the details is fuzzy, but somehow it involves the Queen of England, the word prorogue, and a hell of a lot of angry Québécoises (or is that adjective a redundancy?).

And--wait a minute... is he wearing eyeliner?

Ooooh-kay. But anyway...

Naturally, MPs (the Canadian word for "Representatives") are crying foul:

[Stéphane] Dion, who would become the coalition’s prime minister, addressed reporters before the closed doors of the House of Commons. “For the first time in the history of Canada, the prime minister of Canada is running away from the Parliament of Canada,” he said.

[...]

“A prime minister cannot request that the Parliament be prorogued to avoid a confidence vote,” [Dion] wrote. “It would be an abuse of power on the part of the executive branch without precedent in the history of Parliament.”

Hmmm. "Abuse of power." That sounds familiar.

But seriously: does Harper think he's going to be any less popular in six weeks? Especially after doing this?

Actually, there is part of Fosco that still wonders whether Bush might try something like this. Well, except that Bush doesn't actually seem to want to keep his job anymore (it gets in the way of his jigsaw puzzle time).

So join me, friends, in a journey north to liberate our Canadian brothers and sisters! Do not fear, Canadians, we will bring you a candidate of HOPE and CHANGE! A Barack Oubama, you might say...

Catholicism Keeps Getting Worse

You may have noticed that Fosco has had a Catholic bee in his bonnet lately. Mostly, this is because of Fosco's anger at Catholic support for Prop H8. While this current story is not about Prop H8, Fosco thinks it clearly illustrates the kind of coercive tactics that the Catholic Church now uses on its members in order to influence politics in the (supposedly secular) public sphere.

From the SF Chronicle: Calif. priest tells Obama supporters to confess.

That's right, a parish priest is asking his parishioners to confess if they voted for Obama:

A Roman Catholic priest has told parishioners they should confess if they voted for Barack Obama because the president-elect supports abortion.

The Rev. Joseph Illo says his parishioners at St. Joseph's Catholic Church in Modesto shouldn't risk losing their "state of grace" by receiving communion sacrilegiously. He delivered the message in a Nov. 21 letter and during mass.

"Father" Illo then goes on to note that voting for Obama would qualify as a "mortal sin." A mortal sin, as per Aquinas, is one that would exclude the sinner from heaven (if not confessed and repented).

First things first. "Father" Illo is a douchebag.

Second, let's take a minute and unpack this whole thing a bit. This is actually a remarkable move on "Father" Illo's part. Note, this is not the Catholic Church supporting a specific policy proposal (such as a ban on abortions or, say, gay marriage). While Fosco may disagree with the Church's position of these issues, he can understand how the Church may choose to urge Catholic voters to adopt the Catholic position in voting on these issues (of course, threatening any Catholic with damnation for their vote is repulsive). But this is not just about voting on a specific issue, rather, the Church here is weighing in on a candidate--a candidate who (like almost any political candidate) holds complex views on policy. "Father" Illo has essentially reduced Barack Obama to a pro-abortion caricature.

This is wrong for several reasons. The first of which is that Barack Obama is not exactly "pro-abortion." You can see that here. Obama (like all of us who support Roe v. Wade) would actually like there to be fewer abortions. And how do we reduce abortions? I think comprehensive sex education and improved economic opportunity might be a good place to start. Obama, like many of the rest of us, recognizes that we can reduce abortions by reducing unwanted pregnancies. Guess what, the Democratic party even has a plan!

So, if Barack Obama's plan to reduce abortion is not good enough for the Catholic Church, then John McCain must have been planning to outlaw abortion altogether, right? Well, not exactly. Apparently, McCain's entire plan was to appoint enough conservative justices to overturn Roe v. Wade, "returning the abortion question to the individual states." Hmmm. That doesn't actually seem like much of a plan, does it? I think we all know which states would outlaw abortion if RvW were overturned. And I'm guessing that most women, even those who live in the South, would be within one day's drive of one of the legal abortion states. Of course, overturning RvW would still cause a lot of pain and hardship for women in abortion-illegal states. And there would certainly be women too poor to travel for an abortion (although some might consequently risk their lives for unsafe illegal abortions). So this plan probably would reduce abortion as well. But overall, it's not entirely clear to me which plan would actually reduce abortion more: Obama's or McCain's.

But isn't the point of this sort of thought experiment that it is possible for intelligent people with a moral conscience to disagree about how best to reduce abortion? This is what "Father" Illo and the Catholic Church is denying here. They are being intellectually dishonest by ignoring the fact that there are numerous ways to reach goals that, in some degree, we all share. But clearly, disagreeing with the Church on the "right" way to reduce abortion means eternal damnation for your soul.

Do I even have to note that, by focusing on abortion in determining who to vote for, the Catholic Church is ignoring several other social justice issues that the Church used to care about? You know, issues like poverty and war. Does "Father" Illo really think that John McCain would save enough aborted fetuses to make up for the hundreds of thousands of people in Iran that he would kill? Although, come to think of it, those Iranians aren't Christians so presumably they count less...

No on Prop 8

If you live in California, please vote NO on Prop 8 today.

Read here about the nutballs who are responsible for this hateful measure.

Read here about the amazing work against Prop 8 being done by Fosco's friend Ted Gideonse.

Recent Discoveries in Loathsome

How's this for a new feature at Fosco Lives? Every week I do the legwork to find someone/something loathsome. Then I tell you about him/her/it. I call it "Recent Discoveries in Loathsome."

This week, let's give it up for the loathsome Norris Church Mailer. As per a review in the September 9th NYTimes Book Review,

Mailer, who was a Wilhelmina model for several years, also worked as a soap opera actress, and the plot is as sudsy as they come. (Mailer, the wife of Norman Mailer, is also from Arkansas.)

Great. As if Norman Mailer isn't loathsome enough, now the readers of the NYTBR have to deal with his former-model/actress wife and her novels about a model who grew up in Arkansas.