Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The Real Tragedy of Election '08

Ooooh, this is a good one!

Think back to last summer: a simpler time, when you could torture a suspected terrorist (just for fun!), when you could redecorate your office without getting lots of guff from the Congress, and when America was in love with an affable surrogate grandfather named Walnuts. Remember? And do you remember John McCain's glamorous wife (who, contrary to popular belief is not at all c*nty [not my word--follow the link])? Now think a little harder... Do you remember John McCain's daughter? No, not the brown one they hid during the campaign, but the white one (seen at right, dressed in a full-body turban).

During the campaign, Meghan "Peroxide" McCain reached out to youthful voters via her blog, bringing her father's message of hope to a new generation of capital-gains taxpayers and people who fear Mexicans. But since the election, Meghan has hit the big time, working as a writer for sites like The Daily Beast. Fosco hasn't followed her career too closely, but it's pretty clear that she didn't land these gigs based on her skills as a wordsmith (or, for that matter, her interesting perspective on life).

Which brings us to this article in The Daily Beast, in which Meghan McCain describes how her father's campaign has ruined her sex life. If Fosco believed in God, he's be offering thanks for this comedy gold.

Let's enjoy the best parts together, shall we? The piece starts with a bang:

The election killed my personal life.

OK, maybe killed is a bit of an exaggeration. But it does seem to be on life support. Of all the things people warned would happen post-election, no one ever said anything about how complicated dating would become. Especially if your dad loses the election. There are things that have been difficult, but nothing quite as tough as dating. I fear the election has destroyed my ability and desire to date.
Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I heard Bristol Palin say something similar recently. But I know what you're thinking: how did the election ruin your dating life, Meggy? She is so glad you asked:
Here's the biggest surprise: I am not only turned off by people who voted for Barack Obama, but I am also turned off by people that voted for my dad—or more so, obsessive supporters of my dad. Recently, over dinner, a guy started explaining his reasons for supporting President Obama during the election (I didn’t ask, I think the poor guy felt guilty) and I immediately found any attraction I had previously had dissipate. But same thing happens if a guy starts talking about all the reasons why my father should be president. I have the ultimate Catch-22 in post-election dating. So where does that leave me, and who exactly am I attracted to? Let’s just say I’m spending a lot of time writing and even more time with my girlfriends.
Wow, that is a dilly of a pickle. It's almost like she can't date anyone who voted! Which means the bitter irony here is that Meghan's ideal man might just have to be a foreigner; too bad Papa Walnuts doesn't want to let any of them into the country. And is it just me, or at the end of that passage did she admit that she has now been driven to lesbianism? I can't imagine what Walnuts and the White Queen would think about that.

But don't worry: she still gets a lot of dates. And why wouldn't she? Check out that photo above. Who wouldn't want to date the star of Flashdance? What a feeling!

Now here's the creepy part: some of the McCainiacs want to play dress-up with Miss Meg...
One extreme fan of my mother’s recently told me I could be “his Cindy.” And then asked me if I ever wore pearls because they probably would look as good on me as they do on my mother. No, I'm not kidding. Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits and large pearls obviously only finds my last name attractive about me.
Eek! I'm not even going to consider the sexual fantasies that potential suitor must be having. Actually, come to think of it, I would bet that Sarah Palin is also involved in those fantasies.

The fans of Walnuts are not quite as creepy, but, as Meghan notes, they tend to have a very limited sense of humor:
Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.” It’s like someone taking Lisa Marie Presley out on a date and singing “Hound Dog” in the middle of dinner.
Yes, and we all know how that turned out for poor Lisa Marie. Not to mention all the other John McCain-related lines the guy probably had prepared:
  • "I sure hope you can raise your arms above your head!"
  • "You can call me Joe the Plumber if it gets you off."
  • "I'll never suspend my campaign to win your heart."
  • "Hey, I think I just saw Lindsey Graham watching us from behind that curtain."
There were probably some other good ones [get to work, commenters!].

So what is the ultimate lesson of Meg's little essay?
So to all the fathers out there: If you want your daughters to be single in her 20s, I can say this—run for president.
I don't want to take this suggestion more seriously than it deserves, but, um, this actually didn't work for at least one of the Bush girls.

On the whole, though, I must say that I feel a bit sorry for Meghan. Who could have imagined that the 2008 election would have such momentous consequences? It's almost as if Americans made a decision about who to vote for without taking into account the effects on Meghan's personal life. It's almost as if Americans don't care about Meghan's happiness. Oh Meghan, what's a wealthy and well-connected young woman to do!

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Jill said...

Goddamn!! Bravo!! This is why I primarily post pretty pictures. Cheers to you Fosco

FOSCO said...

Thank you, thank you.

But pretty pictures are actually quite important. I know I enjoy your taste in "pretty pictures..."