The Feast of St. Bridget (Jones)

Happy Valentine's Day, my readers. I hope that you are staying warm and dry in the embrace of someone you love/like/paid for.

In case you were wondering, St. Valentine is indeed the patron saint of those in long-term relationships; however, if you are still looking for someone, you would do better to address your prayers to St. Raphael, according to this article from the BBC. The piece notes that

St Raphael is the patron saint for happy encounters

Which means that I unknowingly prayed to him a lot during my "bathhouse years" in the late 1990s...

And what about those of you who are looking for someone special this year? A spokesperson for the British Catholic Church has some advice:

"There is a lot of evidence to suggest that young people who have tapped into prayer groups have found partners," she said.

"Those who have exhausted traditional routes like online dating should try spiritual networks.

"Why not come along to a prayer group - it could be your lucky night."

Isn't it funny that online dating is now considered a "traditional route"? How things have changed in the last fifteen years!

As for meeting someone at a prayer meeting or church service, Fosco encourages it--especially if you're ugly. Interestingly, several of Fosco's homelier cousins met their mates that way. In fact, those types of gatherings may be some of the last situations in our society where physical attractiveness is irrelevant. After all, god loves your insides, right? The only problem is that most religions then encourage the production of numerous ugly children...

There's Something (Gay) About (Senator) Larry

Yesterday was another bad day for Senator Princess Larry Craig, Idaho's favorite tearoom queen (pictured right with his "longtime cowboy companion" or whoever). As the Times reported, Craig's Republican colleagues are offering their support by calling for his resignation. Oh girl, you are in sooooo much trouble!

But Larry isn't going gently into that good night of out-and-proud homosexuality. According to a statement at the Silver Troll's website, the cause of all this fuss is his hometown paper (haven't you heard of the infamous BLM--Boise Liberal Media?):

"For a moment, I want to put my state of mind into context on June 11. For 8 months leading up to June, my family and I had been relentlessly and viciously harassed by the Idaho Statesman. If you’ve seen today’s paper, you know why. Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been.

"Still, without a shred of truth or evidence to the contrary, the Statesman has engaged in this witch hunt. In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis, because of the stress of the Idaho Statesman’s investigation and the rumors it has fueled around Idaho.

Sigh. Oh Larry... I think there's a little more than a shred of evidence at this point.

Here are three neat things Fosco has discovered in all of this coverage:

• There is this really cool lesbian State Representative representing Boise. Her name is Nicole LeFavour and she's interested in "open space preservation, human rights, and securing funds for schools and increasing the affordability of health care." Yes! She has a degree in cognitive science from Berkeley. That rocks! If I had to live in Boise, I would totally live in her district. Oh, and she had a great quote about Larry Craig:
  

  “I’m sorry we don’t live in a world where the senator feels he can be open about his sexual orientation.”

  Right on! Ms. LeFavour, Fosco salutes you.
  
  
• According to the police report from the event (as reported by Roll Call:
  

  Craig stated “that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine,” the report states.

  Restroom stance, baby. How wide is your restroom stance? Didn't Neneh Cherry sing a song about that once? And like the girl said: "So don't you get fresh with me."
  
  
• In an interview in May with the Idaho Statesman, Larry responded to previous allegations of cruising:
  

  Another man said that in November 1994 Craig "cruised" him at the REI store in Boise. The man, who is gay, told the Statesman that Craig stared at him in a sexually inviting way and followed him around REI for a half-hour. Said Craig: "Once again, I'm not gay, and I don't cruise, and I don't hit on men. I have no idea how he drew that conclusion. A smile? Here is one thing I do out in public: I make eye contact, I smile at people, they recognize me, they say, ‘Oh, hi, Senator.' Or, ‘Do I know you?'
  
  "I've been in this business 27 years in the public eye here. I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!"

  This quote runneth over with hilarious goodness, but I think my favorite part is when Larry admits that he prefers non-Idaho locations for his cruising. Jiminy!
  
  Oh, and is that what Larry was doing when he was peeking into the cop's stall? Making eye contact? He's such a friendly man.

The best part of all this: there may still be two closeted Republican senators left!

Senator Craig Likes Bois(e)

I'm not sure there's been a worse-kept secret since power-lesbian Rosie O sang all those awkward "heterosexual" songs about Tom Cruise [shudder], but apparently Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig is gay. Of course, we've all know this since last fall when Senator Craig was outed by blogActive.

Wait, how could Senator Craig (pictured below) be gay? He seems to like cowboys so much!

But now we have some even better evidence: the Craigster was arrested in the restroom at Minneapolis airport for soliciting sex. He pleaded guilty to "disorderly conduct."

Wait, you're telling me that someone who enjoys singing with Paul Shaffer is gay? Maybe it's just a big misunderstanding.


If only. Apparently,

the officer said Mr. Craig had tapped his foot, in what the officer called a known signal to engage in lewd conduct, and had also brushed his foot against the investigator’s and waved his hand under the stall divider several times before the officer showed him his badge. [NYT]

As a long-time homosexual who occasionally hangs out in very gay restrooms, Fosco well knows the mating rituals of the silver troll. I hate to break it to middle America, but Senator Craig wasn't trying to borrow some toilet paper. He wanted to borrow some cock.

If you want some more delicious irony, surf on over to this story on Wonkette to enjoy how Larry Craig supporters, the "Idaho Values Alliance," are so worried about a threat to our families: "Airport restrooms have become so popular that men looking for anonymous sexual trysts with other men have advertised their airport availability on Craigslist." It leads one to wonder if that's Craigslist or Craig's list.

Is Girlfriend Larry going to go all McGreevey on us? (And did Senator Craig kill any teen vagrants?) Fosco had to know, and so he went to the source:


The Automated LarryBot informs me that Senator Craig prioritizes the concerns of Idahoanianists first, but I'll let you know when he gets back to me (I'm sure it will be soon). Of course, if he comes out in his reply it will be another Fosco Lives! Exclusive.

Actually, isn't the real scandal here that Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport is using undercover cops to entrap lonely homosexuals? There isn't anything else that cops could do at a major international airport? I think the gays should boycott this airport. You with me, gays?

Sex Baiting Alert!

I'm going to step outside of the fun-loving Fosco persona for a post in order to call your attention to this item:

Sex Baiting 'Prank' from waxy.org.

This is EVIL.

Basically, some self-promoting tool decided to post a sexually explicit ad on Craigslist Seattle pretending to be a woman seeking casual sex with men. Then this bacterium did the unthinkable: he posted all of the replies verbatim (including pictures) on the website Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Now granted, some of the people who responded to this ad should have been smarter than to use identifiable email addresses and pictures. However, should the punishment for that lapse really be getting fired? Or a divorce?

The waxy.org post discusses the chances of legal sanctions against the loser who started this (conclusion: slim-to-none). As someone who believes neither in an afterlife nor in karma, I hope there is some way for guy to get what is coming to him in this lifetime.

And for all of you who, like me, enjoy internet hookups, please USE A PSEUDONYMOUS EMAIL ACCOUNT. Don't make it easy for the idiotic and malicious.

Field Trip Week: Casual Sex in Salinas, Foucault, Steinbeck, and Dirty Limericks

On Thursday night, Fosco gave his personal assistant, Geoffrey, the night off and headed south on Highway 1 into "Big Salad Country"--the Salinas Valley.

I was in Salinas for several reasons:

• to visit the largest city on the Central Coast
  
• to see the vast fields of lettuce and other greens--trust me, they are indeed vast
  
• to get a tossed salad

Oh yeah, and I had also recently heard about a "place" in Salinas where visitors can enjoy the company of Latino men--anonymously and for a short while. Naturally, I had to investigate and I was not disappointed--what a great idea! Latino men are so... spicy.

Casual sex between men--I am always reminded of an interview with Michel Foucault, conducted by James O'Higgins, in which Foucault explains why the prohibition on homosexuality has made it so that homosexuals prefer to focus entirely on the sex act itself, as opposed to the rituals of anticipation, courtship, and intimacy:

O'Higgins: I'm reminded of Cassanova's famous expression that 'the best moment in life is when one is climbing the stairs.' One can hardly imagine a homosexual today making such a remark.

Foucault: Exactly. Rather, he would say something like: 'the best moment of love is when the lover leaves in the taxi.'

Or, something more like: the best part is when I get back into my car and go to get a burger.

Which brings up another delight in Salinas: an In-N-Out Burger, Fosco's favorite!

Did you know that John Steinbeck was born in Salinas? I think there should be a sign at the city limits: "Birthplace of that Novelist You Liked When You Were in High School."

Unfortunately, there is some sort of National Steinbeck Center in Salinas, dedicated to "the exploration of Steinbeck's work and themes." God help us.

I can save everyone a lot of effort by performing an exhaustive exploration of Steinbeck's themes right here:

• Theme 1: People are still worthy of respect and dignity, even if they are stupid and gross and breast-feed grown men and stuff.
  
• Theme 2: Physical strength and retardation are a problematic combination.
  
• Theme 3: Sometimes there is a good brother and sometimes there is an evil brother; also, women cause a lot of trouble (see also Book of Genesis).

See, now I'm the National Steinbeck Center.

During my Foucaultian reverie on the drive back to Santa Cruz, it occurred to me that Salinas would be an excellent subject for a dirty limerick. Ergo:

There once was a man from Salinas
Who had an exceptional penis
He bragged: "On a night
When I wear my pants tight,
I score more than Gilbert Arenas."

What other California cities can be thus limericked? Modesto? Eureka? Milpitas? Commenters, consider yourself challenged.