Sunday, January 11, 2009

From the Annals of Careers That Should Have Been

You may have heard that Lindsay Lohan isn't a big fan of Scarlett Johansson. Which kinda makes sense when you think about it. After all, Scarlett and Lindsay are the two redheads of their Hollywood generation (although Scarlett is now frequently blond; however, we all know what color the carpet is). It's only natural for Lindsay to be jealous: only one redhead may rule Hollywood at any given time and Scarlett is clearly the queen right now. [Not to mention that redheads are naturally temperamental. Fosco should know--he once knew a redheaded model named Dashmere Conutte. She was fiery!]

And if La Lohan is a little bitter about things, who can blame her? As Lindsay noted in a recent interview, she just doesn't get the credit she deserves:

But what hurts me the most is that I work just as hard as any other actress around my age, like Scarlett Johansson, but I just don't get the opportunities that they get because people are so distracted by the mess that I created in my life.
That's an interesting point. It makes you wonder what would actually happen if Lindsay Lohan were as hardworking an actress as Scarlett Johansson? Or even, what if she worked harder? Could Lindsay have occupied Scarlett's place in the world?

Let's do a thought experiment: what would the movie world be like if Lindsay Lohan had gotten Scarlett Johansson's movie roles? Gnarly, huh? Fosco's imagination tells him that this is how the following movies would have been different:
  • Ghost World. Lindsay and Thora Birch play teens who are too ironic for daily life. However, instead of falling for geeky middle-aged record collectors, the girls start dropping E and making out with each other at rave clubs. They engage in sexplay with knives. Their lesbian affair ends after Lindsay's character enters rehab.
  • Lost in Translation. Lindsay plays a neglected young wife visiting Japan with her photographer husband. During her boring days and insomniac nights at a Japanese luxury hotel, she meets a washed up actor played by Bill Murray. Instead of becoming friends and sharing their loneliness, the characters spend a tender moment when Murray drinks sake out of Lohan's vagina.
  • In Good Company. Lindsay plays the daughter of Dennis Quaid's character. When Quaid's character gets a new young boss (Topher Grace), he has to come to terms with his own aging as well as his daughter's romantic interest in that boss. At the end, instead of everyone learning a valuable lesson about humanistic business practices, Lindsay's character takes both her father and his boss home to pull a train.
  • Girl with a Pearl Earring. actually, the Lohan-revised title pretty much says it all: Girl with a Pearl Necklace.
And you know what? There is some alternate universe where these movies already exist. The key is finding that universe.


Anonymous said...

The term is "carpet" not "drapes."

FOSCO said...

You're right. How embarassing! Corrected now.

Anonymous said...

Although... after re-reading... Oz now must remove the "Chucks" from his mouth...

Why do I ever doubt my literary guru???

FOSCO said...

No, you were right. I meant "carpet." Although either would work there, I was going for the "dirty" one... ;)

Anonymous said...

Speaking as a formerly red-haired redhead - we are all offended. I would like to be recognized as the minority group that I am (hello? We're supposed to be extinct in 100 years!) I think Lindsay is merely responding to the biological desire to continue the redheaded line.

Or she's just a no-talent actress that can only get attention by being a whore.

Scarlett, however is more blonde to me and lacks the certain redhead mystique. That is to say, how the hell do people end up with hair that color anyway?

Shave your carpet and pretend you're a brunette! Works for me!

....or should I say Dashmere...

kungfuramone said...

Fosco, I think of myself as a man of the world, yet I have learned two, count them, TWO, sex terms from your blog (the devil's dick and pull a train.) Rather than pulling a train, I immediately thought of the Lohan version involving a London Bridge. (

I did, of course, already know what the shocker was.

Anonymous said...

Yeah... as you know, your man doesn't really agree with much of the whore calling... as many people are of such anyway. There are always different types of actors... and I don't think Lindsay is of the same calibur. Needless to say, Oz does enjoy some of her movies at least for entertainment value and not winning awards.

Oz also believes that there shouldn't even be a term for the acts that go on when attempting a "devil's d....

FOSCO said...

@kfr: You have no idea how happy your comment has made me. I have now reverted back to my nine-year-old self in Catholic elementary school, wanting all the other kids to think I'm cool based on my knowledge of sexual slang.

@Oz: yes, I know my man. And I agree that "Mean Girls" was quite enjoyable.