Cleveland Rocks? Not So Much.

Fosco loves city rankings. He could look at a different list of city rankings every day (10 Pinkest Cities! 10 Worst Smelling Chinatowns! 10 Itchiest!). So naturally, he can't resist Forbes.com's ranking of the Ten Most Miserable Cities in the US.

But what do they mean by "miserable"? Here is the methodology:

We compiled our rankings by looking at the 150 largest metropolitan statistical areas in the U.S., which meant those with a population of at least 378,000. We ranked those metros on nine factors: commute times, corruption, pro sports teams, Superfund sites, taxes (both income and sales), unemployment, violent crime and weather.

Of course, there are aspects of this method that we could disagree with (are income taxes really a good proxy for misery? Don't taxes often provide important, life-improving social services?). Even so, the resulting list does seem to be pretty face valid--after all, I think most people could name Detroit, Buffalo, Flint, and Cleveland as miserable, miserable places.

Here's the top ten:

10. St Louis
9. Miami
8. Buffalo
7. Detroit
6. Flint, MI
5. Modesto, CA
4. Cleveland
3. Chicago
2. Memphis
1. Stockton, CA

Fosco has visited seven of these cities and he can heartily agree with all of them, except Chicago. Chicago is something of a surprise, because it's actually a pretty great city. However, the weather is cold. And most Chicagoans have a punishing commute. And the Cubs suck SO MUCH ALWAYS. And corruption... well, we know a little more about that than we might like.

If you're not a Californian, you might be surprised to see two CA cities on the list. But here's what you need to understand: just as California is divided along a horizontal axis into NorCal (good) and SoCal (bad), the state can also be divided vertically into the Coast (good) and the Central Valley (bad). The Coast contains places like San Francisco, San Diego, and Santa Barbara. It's people are well-educated, attractive, and tolerant (for the most part). The Central Valley is like a little taste of Oklahoma. It contains cities like Stockton and Modesto. There is no reason to ever venture into the Central Valley. Ever.

You know what makes me sad? I'm sad that South Bend, Indiana is too small to be eligible for the list. Because, well, I think I know where it would place...

News Roundup: Gov. Sunshine, Man-Goblin, and the Bluth family

Governor Sunshine's post-impeachment press conference was absolutely thrilling, especially the desperation that sneaks into his voice as he offers to play basketball with some local kid. This is fun of the highest order.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

But, there were actually loads of other neat items in the news today. Here's a roundup:

• File under "good news." As per Defamer, Jeffrey Tambor assures "Arrested Development" fans that Michael Cera will definitely participate in the AD movie. Cera's participation had been in question, but Pop Pop has confidence that he can persuade Cera if necessary. Fosco once saw Mr. Tambor live (when Fosco was a member of the studio audience of "Regis and Kathie Lee"--don't ask) and his personal charisma is considerable. I believe he can make this movie happen.
  
  
• You may remember Fosco's admiration for Brenda "Wire-haired Man-goblin" Warner. Well, Brenda and her husband, Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner, are the subject of an inspirational email that is making the rounds of all well-meaning middle-aged Christian women who don't understand the meaning of the word "spam." You know, like Fosco's Aunt Bonnie.
  
  According to Deadspin, the email tells the heart-warming story of "Kurtis and Brenda," two crazy kids with little in common except an inexplicable physical attraction and a burning love for Christ. The email plays up lots of more Christian-y aspects of the couple's courtship (yet is curiously silent on the subject of saddlebacking). The best part of the story, however, is all the basic facts that it gets wrong, and usually in such a way as to make the story less interesting (oddly enough). Here's a quote from the Deadspin piece:
  

  Brenda was never a checkout girl. She met Kurt when he was still in college and before his career took its unfortunate turn for the worse. (She actually stuck with him, despite his many football failures.) They were together five years before they got married, not one. Her son, Zachary, is actually her oldest child and he doesn't have Down's Syndrome. His birth father dropped him on his head when he was an infant, leading to brain damage and blindness. (The trauma of that incident let to the father leaving Brenda, while she was pregnant with her second child.) Also, left out: the tornado that killed Brenda's parents in 1996; the spider bite that cost Kurt a tryout with the Bears; and Brenda's first career as a freakin' Marine.

  Wow. Put that all together and I think you have the best white trash epic since The Grapes of Wrath.
  
  
• And that Steinbeck reference provides a nice segue to this bit of local news from the San Jose Mercury News. A restaurant war on Monterey's Fisherman's Wharf has erupted and it's gotten nasty. Apparently, the hosts at one restaurant have been dumping another restaurant's pagers into the ocean. It happens like this (now follow along here, it gets a little complicated):
  
  1. Prospective customers go to Restaurant 1 where they are placed on a waitlist and given a pager.
     
  2. Prospective customers walk along the wharf while they wait for their pager to summon them.
     
  3. Prospective customers are accosted by the host at Restaurant 2 who notes that they can be seated immediately at said Restaurant 2.
     
  4. When the prospective customers agree to be seated at Restaurant 2, the host at Restaurant 2 claims that he/she will return the unneeded pager to Restaurant 1.
     
  5. Restaurant 2 host does not return the pager, but rather drops it into into Monterey Bay, where it immediately becomes a choking hazard for curious sea lions. Okay, I made up the sea lion part.
  Believe it or not, this sequence of events was established in a sting by two undercover police officers (Monterey doesn't have drugs or murder, apparently). A diver(!) "reportedly discovered seven pagers on the sea floor under [Restaurant 2]. During another dive, three more pagers were found."
  

Delusional Mania: Blago v. West

Strangely enough, it is an open question who has brought more joy to Fosco over the last two weeks: Barack Obama (President) or Rod Blagojevich. On the one hand, Obama has made history for African-Americans, led the country back to its true moral values, and spread hope to pretty much everyone. On the other hand, Rod Blagojevich has

• quoted Victorian poetry.
  
• threatened to appoint Oprah to the Senate.
  
• compared himself to Gandhi, Dr. King, and Mandela.
  
• called himself the "Anti-Nixon."
  
• appeared on "The View", sounding less crazy than moronic Palinista Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Actually, after watching Blago's Rachel Maddow interview last night, Fosco has become a full-scale Blagophile. This guy is like a ray of sunshine in the dark winter of Fosco's discontent. Seriously, this guy's media blitz has been the most fun Fosco has had with television since he got too old for "The Electric Company." He may be "Blagojevich" to you, but to me, he will always be "Governor Sunshine."

I've just never seen anyone who is so politically savvy and so self-aggrandizingly delusional. Well, maybe Sarah Palin comes close. But Blago is just so much more fun to watch! And he can speak in complete sentences (paragraphs, even)! And the chutzpah! To claim that he is being impeached for being too much of a progressive populist. This is the boldest public relations strategy that I could ever imagine. I am thankful every day that he hasn't listened to a word of his lawyer's advice. It takes an amazing man to be so guilty and yet to make me feel sad that he's going to jail (when he's behind bars, who will say the crazy?). You know what I want? A made-for-TV movie: "Executive Privilege: The Rod Blagojevich Story." Oh, and I want him to write a book. Now.

Luckily, while Blago's in the big house, we may be able to count on Kanye West to take up some of the slack in public insanity. Have you seen this unsurpassedly strange little video?


A message from kwest on Vimeo.

I can't decide which part I like best. Is it when he says that he has been forced to change his name to "Martin ‘Louis’ The King Jr." and demands that you "address me as such"? Or is it when he says "I don't know the name of that champagne--it just came with the room"? Or is it the beginning, when he pretends to look up and be surprised by the camera? (Big Ups to Oz for passing this along to me.) Oh Martin "Louis" King Jr., you are working so hard to cheer me up!

UPDATE: The inimitable kungfuramone has diagnosed why Kanye's ramblings are so funny. Check it out!