Sunday, December 28, 2008

Buy Rand-McNally Stock

Reasonable people can argue about the outcome of our current financial crisis: either things will eventually return to normal or never be the same again. But thank goodness there are also unreasonable people who can provide us with much-needed entertainment during this crisis. And so we have Russian political science professor Igor Panarin, who is predicting that the US will break apart in a giant civil war in the year 2010. You can read the WSJ article here.

Now while Fosco doesn't need to be convinced that secession by several Southern states (goodbye Texas!) would indeed be a desirable thing, Professor Panarin's predictions are much nuttier. Here's a good one:

California will form the nucleus of what he calls "The Californian Republic," and will be part of China or under Chinese influence.
That would certainly make it easier for Fosco to get a hold of his favorite Chinese melamine chews. But really--China? China is going to assume control of the Western US? Has this guy ever been to California? Based on recent voting trends, it seems more likely to Fosco that "The Californian Republic" would fall under Mormon control--especially as Utah is predicted to be part of the same "Californian Republic."

How silly! You know, the only thing that seems more far-fetched than a China-controlled California would be...
Canada will grab a group of Northern states Prof. Panarin calls "The Central North American Republic."
Fear the rise of Imperial Canada! Fear it! They are coming for our Great Lakes! Although, come to think of it, most Midwesterners might not mind doing business in a stable and valuable currency.

Need more laughs? Here's the full map:

Actually, maybe the best part is the return of Alaska to Russia. Luckily, Alaska has someone someone who knows a lot about Russia.

So what does this mean? Well, Fosco is going to celebrate July 4th like a mofo this year, because apparently it will be the last one.


todd said...

I guess I better practice talking like a Canadian, eh?

I hope South Park is accurate in the depiction.

Also, Kentucky and Tennessee will fit in with the European Union quite well. When I think of Kentucky it's hard to distinguish from, say, Paris.

FOSCO said...

Watch out, EU: here comes good bourbon!