How Much Does Sarah Palin Like Condoms?

A couple of weeks ago, Fosco waxed enthusiastic about his new favorite Palin, new mom Bristol. In the course of that post, Fosco made some accusations about the beliefs of Bristol's mom, Governor Sarah Palin. An anonymous commenter (who I assume is The BeeMaster, although he forgot to sign the comment) took issue with some of Fosco's facts and asked that Fosco make "corrections." This is a reasonable request--assuming Fosco was wrong. Let's find out, shall we?

Here is the first question raised by the commenter (Fosco's original words are in italics):

And so, on behalf of America, I'd like to apologize to Bristol Palin. Bristol, I'm sorry your mom is a hillbilly idiot who didn't want you to learn about how not to get pregnant.

Untrue. Sarah Palin has never backed abstinence-only sex education. In fact, she supports contraceptive education in public schools: http://articles.latimes.com/2008/sep/06/nation/na-sexed6

And from a radio show debate: "...I’m pro-contraception, and I think kids who may not hear about it at home should hear about it in other avenues. So I am not anti-contraception. But, yeah, abstinence is another alternative that should be discussed with kids. I don’t have a problem with that. That doesn’t scare me, so it’s something I would support also.”

The question, then, is: what type of sex education program does Sarah Palin support?

The commenter has found two statements by Palin that suggest she supports sex ed that teaches about contraception. Both of these quotes are referenced in an LA Times article:

“I’m pro-contraception, and I think kids who may not hear about it at home should hear about it in other avenues,” she said during a debate in Juneau.

[...]

"I’m pro-contraception, and I think kids who may not hear about it at home should hear about it in other avenues. So I am not anti-contraception. But, yeah, abstinence is another alternative that should be discussed with kids. I don’t have a problem with that. That doesn’t scare me, so it’s something I would support also.”

All of this may seem relatively straightforward, and Fosco is willing to admit that Sarah Palin is not quite the anti-contraception crusader that he has painted her as. However, I think Palin's view is a lot more complicated (or confused) than the commenter would like to admit.

The problem, of course, is Palin's response on a questionnaire by the nutjob Eagle Forum. When she was running for governor, Palin responded to the following question in the following way (you can find the full questionnaire here):

3. Will you support funding for abstinence-until-marriage education instead of for [sic] explicit sex-education programs, school-based clinics, and the distribution of contraceptives in schools?

SP: Yes, the explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support.

Now what are we supposed to make of this answer? On the face of it, it does seem to suggest that Palin supports "abstinence-until-marriage education" instead of "explicit sex-education programs." After all, the question was worded as an "instead of" question and Palin explicitly (teehee!) chose the second alternative.

Of course, the problem here is what the hell the phrase "explicit sex-ed programs" means? Well, it turns out that "explicit sex-ed" is a loaded code phrase used by conservative groups as another, scarier, name for "comprehensive sex-ed." You can read about its deployment in this NY Times article. And while most parents do support the teaching of basic contraception in sex-ed classes, it is not clear whether a scare term like "explicit sex-ed" is intended to include such information (although I'd be willing to bet that unrolling a condom over a banana or cucumber would count as "explicit" for these people).

Palin's own clarification of the term explicit is about as useful as most of her clarifications. Once again, from the LA Times piece referenced earlier:

In August of that year, Palin was asked during a KTOO radio debate if “explicit” programs include those that discuss condoms. Palin said no and called discussions of condoms “relatively benign.”

“Explicit means explicit,” she said.

"Explicit means explicit"? Fine, but what does "explicit" mean to you, Sarah? Because, even from the way their questionnaire is worded, there is good reason to believe that the Eagle Forum understands the word "explicit" differently than you do (and I bet it includes condoms).

So I think we've managed to tease out Sarah Palin's true beliefs about sex ed. I guess she does actually support condom education. However, at the same time, she is also happy to suggest to conservative groups like the Eagle Forum that she is against "explicit sex-ed," even though "explicit sex-ed" is a conservative synonym for "comprehensive sex-ed" and comprehensive sex-ed does indeed include condom education. Whew! I may have been wrong about her position, but I think you can see why.

Which brings me to the better question here: why is it that Fosco had to spend an hour parsing scattered quotes in order to arrive at a barely half-satisfying position statement for a candidate for the second-most-powerful elected office in the country? We knew exactly what kind of sex ed programs the other candidates (Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and John "Walnuts" McCain) supported. Once again, Palin is a completely blank space. And why? Two reasons:

1. She never talked about any of her beliefs that she didn't want to talk about.
   
2. No one in the media had the opportunity (or the balls) to make her talk about those things.

No doubt her support for contraception would have been unpopular with "the base"; luckily, she never had to talk about it during the campaign. Maybe Fosco is old-fashioned, but he tends to think that candidates for public office have to be explicit (teehee!) about their positions, even when those positions may be unpopular. Hey, this would have been a great question for Greta Van Susteren to have asked Sarah Palin during her drop in! Hmmm, I wonder why Van Susteren didn't think of that...

Okay. On to the commenter's second objection:

And I'm sorry that people like your mom were in charge of your education in the state of Alaska, thereby preventing you from receiving meaningful sex ed.

Untrue. Bristol Palin attended Wasilla High, a public school in Alaska which does teach contraceptive use: http://joannejacobs.com/2008/09/02/sex-ed-and-the-single-alaskan/#comment-82693

Really? What's your source for that? Ah, here it is:

Hmmm. Maybe I'm being a "source snob," but I am not going to accept the third-hand testimony of the daughter of a "buddy" of a conservative Alaskan blogger, even if his name is "Rory."

Hey, here's a better idea. What if we considered the testimony of the Principal of Bristol Palin's Wasilla high school. According to an article in the Boston Herald, WHS Principal Dwight Probasco (pictured at right) stated that his school's sex ed curriculum "pushes abstinence." Whether or not this means that the curriculum is "abstinence-only," I don't know. I also don't know how whatever curriculum the school board and principal have approved gets translated into everyday lessons by the teachers in the school. And we certainly have no way of knowing what specific information Bristol Palin received in her sex ed classes (without, of course, asking her--another missed question by Van Susteren).

All of which means that Fosco cannot guarantee that Bristol Palin didn't learn something about contraception in high school sex ed (although her principal's quote seems to suggest that she did not). However, I think I'm more likely to be right on this than the commentator's pal "Rory." And I think it is clearly not the case that Bristol Palin received comprehensive sex ed, as the commenter asserts:

So, despite receiving "comprehensive" sexual education, Bristol Palin still got pregnant! How can this be? Shall we use draconian terms like "personal responsibility," or shall we chalk up her pregnancy as failure of "comprehensive" sex ed?

Ummm, can I answer "neither"? All sex ed, even comprehensive sex ed, is going to have a failure rate. The question is not whether a program prevents pregnancy altogether, but whether it does better than the alternatives. And, based on that criterion, there is little doubt that comprehensive sex education is effective.

And yes, of course Bristol Palin bears some personal responsibility for her pregnancy. However, we do tend to believe that ignorance lessens responsibility and if Bristol was kept ignorant of basic facts about reproduction and contraception (and we don't know to what extent she was), I think those people who kept that information from her must be held responsible as well.

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More Jindalicious Lies

Last week, Louisiana Governero Bobby Jindal provided the Republican response to President Obama's address to Congress. Despite his status as a Republican "rising star," Jindal's performance was roundly panned as stale, inauthentic, and nihilistic. Oh, and he may have reminded many Americans of a likable yet dimwitted television character. Mission accomplished, Bobby!

But wait, it gets worse. Yesterday, a spokesperson for Jindal admitted that the governor completely fabricated the central anecdote of his speech: a story about his heroic anti-bureaucratic actions during Hurricane Katrina. Oops! Jindal had used the story to make a point about how government often stands in the way of the solutions to problems (solutions like, you know, saving people from rising flood waters). Maybe so, but do you know what probably does even less than government to save people from rising floodwaters? Fictional heroism! Heckuva job, Bobby!

All of which raises an important question for Fosco: what else has Bobby Jindal been lying to us about? With a little digging, Fosco has managed to compile a list:

• Real first name is not Bobby.
  
• Actually not the Governor of Louisiana, but the Lieutenant Governor.
  
• Wife was not "Miss Teen Louisiana"; rather, was "Mr. Teen Louisiana."
  
• Claimed to prefer Hosea's gumbo, but actually preferred Stefan's gumbo.
  
• Criticized the stimulus bill for containing a MagLev train between Disneyland and Las Vegas. Train is not mentioned in bill and is only one of many potential projects that may request high-speed rail funding.
  
• Is the biological father of Sarah Palin's baby.
  
• Did not actually give his speech from Louisiana's Governor's Mansion, but in front of a green screen in Tom Selleck's poolhouse.
  
• Has never managed the Jonas Brothers.
  
• Pretended to be terminally ill so as to get a visit from Joe Namath.
  
• Is actually wearing his father's suit.
  
• Cannot watch The Muppets Take Manhattan without sobbing uncontrollably.
  
• Secretly doubts whether all women who have abortions are godless whores.
  
• Real middle name: Hussein.

Whether or not these lies are sufficient to disqualify him from seeking higher office (like, say, the Presidency) remains to be seen. But let's just say that Sarah Palin is sleeping a lot more soundly this weekend...

[Commenters: Did I miss anything?]

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Smells Like Peen Spirit

In a post two days ago, Fosco reported on the trend of calling Republican governors "governeros" (to appeal to the cowboy aesthetic of what remains of their party). In that post's title, Fosco referred to a Simpson's song about an SUV that claims it "smells like a steak." Well, it now occurs to Fosco to wonder what Republican governeros actually do smell like (and is it steak? No, it is not.).

Fosco has pondered this question and he has some theories. So, let's play the game: "What Does Your Republican Governor Smell Like?" Here are a few suggestions:

• Arnold Schwarzenegger (CA): coconut oil
  
• Sarah Palin (AK): mooseburgers and Britney Spears believe
  
• "Myman" Mitch Daniels (IN): urine
  
• Rick Perry (TX): Newport Lights
  
• Mark Sanford (SC): green apple Jolly Ranchers
  
• Tim Pawlenty (MN): talcum powder
  
• Linda Lingle (HI): poi
  
• Charlie Crist (FL): Jean Paul Gaultier Le Male

N.B.: there is no way that Fosco is going to propose a smell for Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal--there is just too much potential for unintentional racial issues.

But what about other Republican governeros? Any scents?

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My Favorite Palin

Fosco has surprised himself recently with the depth of his anger at conservatives who believe that abstinence education has any relation to teen pregnancy (hint: it doesn't). Whether or not babies are a blessing (and Fosco's jury is still out on that one), I just don't understand how people can refuse to support sex education programs that would help women to have babies when they want to. If we all agree that babies should be born into stable homes and relationships (and I don't know who can disagree with that), then I just don't see how this "abstinence only" charade or the "virginity pledge" fraud can be allowed to continue.

The most famous know-nothing on this subject, of course, is Governero Sarah Palin, whose support for abstinence-only programs has famously come home to roost in the uterus of her teen daughter Bristol. But how does Bristol feel about all of this? Is her head in the sand too (next to her mother's)?

Well, thanks to everyone's favorite Bell's palsy-ed lesbian, Greta Van Susteren, we now have the definitive interview with Sarah Palin's SportsCenter-named daughter. And here's the surprise: Bristol Palin isn't as stupid as her mother. And believe it or not, she even speaks in complete sentences (more or less)!

Let's go to the transcript. Now things start out a little rocky for our Bristol. She clearly needs a little time to warm up to her message:

VAN SUSTEREN: You know, it always is sort of a difficult thing, you know, when it's a question of youth, and no one ever really knows what to say to a young person in your situation.
BRISTOL: Yes. I don't know. I just -- I hope that people learn from my story and just, like, I don't know, prevent teen pregnancy, I guess.

As slogans go, this one lacks some punch. I don't really see this on a T-shirt: The Bristol Palin Foundation: Working to just, like, I don't know, prevent teen pregnancy, I guess. I think she needs to talk to some PR people.

But then Bristol starts to get more interesting. Like in this exchange, when she talks about her "choice" to have her baby:

VAN SUSTEREN: What didn't anybody get? What didn't people understand?
BRISTOL: That -- there's a lot of things. They thought that, like, my mom was going to make me have the baby, and it was my choice to have the baby. And it's just -- that kind of stuff just bothered me.
VAN SUSTEREN: And in terms of your mother making you have the baby, I mean, the whole issue of, I guess, the right -- the right to life and choice and things like that.
BRISTOL: Yes. Yes.
VAN SUSTEREN: But this is your issue. This is your decision.
BRISTOL: Yes. And would have -- doesn't matter what my mom's views are on it. It was my decision, and I wish people would realize that, too.

Wait a minute--is Bristol Palin saying that she (as a woman) had a choice about whether to have her baby? She talks like that's a constitutional right or something! Women aren't supposed to have that--not in Palin's America!

A little farther into the interview, Bristol has made some progress with her slogan:

VAN SUSTEREN: What do your parents say about teen pregnancy?
BRISTOL: It's not something to strive for, I guess. It's just -- I don't know. I'm not the first person that it's happened to and I'm not going to be the last. But I don't know. I'd love for -- to be an advocate to prevent teen pregnancy because it's not, like, a situation that you want to strive for, I guess.

"Teen Pregnancy: It's not, like, a situation that you want to strive for, I guess." That's a little better. Still could use the touch of a good PR person, though.

But I've been saving the best exchange for last. It starts when Greta Van Pervert asks for some explicit Bristol-Levi sex details:

VAN SUSTEREN: I don't want to pry to personally, but I mean, actually, contraception is an issue here. Is that something that you were just lazy about or not interested, or do you have a philosophical or religious opposition to it or...
BRISTOL: No. I don't want to get into detail about that. But I think abstinence is, like -- like, the -- I don't know how to put it -- like, the main -- everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it's not realistic at all.
VAN SUSTEREN: Why?
BRISTOL: Because -- I don't want to get into details on this.
VAN SUSTEREN: Well, no, I don't mean personally, just big picture, not -- not necessarily about you, but...
BRISTOL: Because it's more and more accepted now.
VAN SUSTEREN: Among your classmates and kids your age?
BRISTOL: Among -- yes, among kids my age.

If you can get past Greta's question about Levi's condom use (and who wouldn't want to know what size he wears), you may notice that Bristol Palin points out that abstinence is "not realistic at all." Finally, I think Bristol Palin has said (badly) something worth saying: ABSTINENCE (or whatever) IS JUST NOT REALISTIC. AT ALL.

And by this point in the interview, perhaps you, like Fosco, are wondering whether Bristol's realization here also signals a shift in Sarah's thinking about abstinence. Has the pregnancy of her beloved teen daughter actually made her rethink her "abstinence-only" approach to sex ed? Has real life experience made a dent in her thick, ignorant cranium? Luckily, this is about the point when Sarah Palin herself "pops in" to answer a few Van Susteren questions. And we are treated to another titbit of Sarah Palin's nuanced worldview:

SARAH PALIN: Exactly. Exactly. So you get behind that, that ideal of, yes, abstinence, you know? Hey, don't get pregnant. Well, get beyond that when it happens, and then you deal with it. Life happens. Life happens and you deal with it, and Bristol's dealing with it wonderfully.

First of all, this woman's grammatical skill makes her daughter Bristol sound like Winston Churchill. But assuming that I'm parsing Sarah's "sentences" correctly, I read her meaning as follows: "First, you teach abstinence until it fails and then you deal with it. Because shit happens." Even purely as a parenting philosophy, this seems like sheer idiocy. But as public policy? You have got to be fucking kidding me. This woman shouldn't be running a 7-11, much less an American state.

And so, on behalf of America, I'd like to apologize to Bristol Palin. Bristol, I'm sorry your mom is a hillbilly idiot who didn't want you to learn about how not to get pregnant. And I'm sorry that people like your mom were in charge of your education in the state of Alaska, thereby preventing you from receiving meaningful sex ed. And as much you love being a mother (and as rewarding as it no doubt is for you--and I sincerely believe that it is rewarding), I am sorry that you didn't get to make that choice ten years from now--when you had a career and a stable relationship and a life.

See you in hell, Sarah Palin.

Wasillans Welcome

Fosco mentioned early last week that he was proud and excited to log his first Fosco Lives! visitors from China. Well, he's had one more Chinese hit since then (so much for his strategy to get blocked by Chinese censors). But, this excitement pales in comparison to Fosco's absolute thrill to see a visit last week from Governor MooseMunch's illustrious hometown, Wasilla, Alaska! It's true! Here's the relevant portion of Fosco's site traffic report:


To tell the truth, Fosco is a bit obsessed with Wasilla. After all, it's the location of so many important sites in recent political history, such as

• Wasilla Public Library, where then-mayor Sarah Palin tried to have this list of books banned (including the Harry Potter series).
  
• The Wasilla Assembly of God, where Governor Palin was anointed by an African witch hunter who drove an old lady "witch" out of her Kenyan village. Hey, remember when we used to do that here? That was fun.
  
• The snazzily-named Wasilla Multi-Use Sports Complex, which Palin raised the city sales tax to pay for. Oh, and she made a seriously expensive legal error. Plus, the contractors for that sports complex may have built the Palin house for free.
  

But Wasilla isn't just great for its tour of Palin idiocy. Apparently, they have some other idiots as well. The town was the 2003 Duct Tape Capital of the World, after the Wasilla WalMart sold more duct tape in 2002 than any other WalMart in the world. I would hate to speculate why a town of seven thousand people would need so much duct tape, but I suspect it has something to do with meth labs, taxidermy, and incest.

Oh, and did I mention that Wasilla is beautiful? I didn't? That's because it's not. Here is the splash page of the official City of Wasilla website:


Go ahead, click on the picture and look at it full size. And then tell me what you see. As far as Fosco can tell from this picture, Wasilla is a traffic light, a Burger King sign, and some sort of factory.

Why in the world would any city choose that picture to represent itself on its official website? Fosco has lived in (or near) some hellholes in his peripatetic life, but even the worst of them have (misleadingly) beautiful pictures on their official websites. Even if your town isn't beautiful and you don't want to lie, you could still put up pictures of snowmobiles or something. Or the Wasilla Multi-Use Sports Complex. I mean, hasn't Wasilla learned the most important lesson of Sarah Palin? You can polish a turd.

And to think, this is the town that Governor MooseMunch proudly claims as the "real America." [Fosco shudders.]

Of course, Wasilla residents are always welcome here at Fosco Lives! Maybe this site can provide a public service by offering a window into the world of books, art, and urban life. Fosco would also like to extend a special welcome to the queer youth of Wasilla: there is a world outside of Wasilla. Come join us.

Fosco's 2009 Literacy Challenge!

One of Fosco's favorite hobbyhorses is to complain about the death of reading in our society (which he does almost once a year). As you know, Fosco is rather fond of books--so much so, that he spends more time with books than he does with people (and that's just how he likes it, thank you). As Rick Moody once wrote (in Garden State:

Books might be better than people

Fosco is inclined to agree with this. Especially if you change "might be" to "are."

But you don't have to go as far as Fosco with your bibliophilia (or misanthropy) to agree that reading is a good thing for society. A literate population is essential for democracy (and probably for any good kind of civilization), and we ignore that fact at our own peril. And at some point, we're going to have to stop pretending that our country can be governed by someone who hasn't read a book in the past decade (I'm looking at you, Governor MooseMunch). Of course, regular reading is not a sufficient condition to lead this country (because apparently GWB claims to read a lot); however, sophisticated reading skill is clearly one of the necessary conditions to do the job well. Yes, Fosco proudly admits that he is an elitist about reading--and he thinks you should be too.

So you can imagine Fosco's cautious optimism about a recent report from the NEA suggesting that fiction reading increased in 2008. According to this study, almost exactly half of American adults engaged in one act of "literary reading" last year. Literary reading means novels, poems, short stories, etc. Unfortunately, the survey did not distinguish between online reading of these genres and traditional print reading (which may account for some of the increase). That's just one of the omissions in the survey, which also did not differentiate between the genres read nor considered the quality of the reading material. But even though we might like to have that kind of information, there is still cause to celebrate the main finding.

It turns out that this increase is significant as compared with literary reading just six years ago, as this table from the NY Times shows:

Although, reading rates still remain in decline as compared to the early 80s and 90s.

Of course, the chair of the NEA (a Bush appointee) credits this increase to the NEA's own efforts, including a community reading program called "The Big Read." The chair

attributed the increase in literary reading to community-based programs like the “Big Read,” Oprah Winfrey’s book club, the huge popularity of book series like “Harry Potter” and Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight,” as well as the individual efforts of teachers, librarians, parents and civic leaders to create “a buzz around literature that’s getting people to read more in whatever medium.”

Again, as much as Fosco would love to make snide jokes about the idea of creating a "buzz around literature," he just can't bring himself to quibble with an increase in reading--even if Oprah and the Bush NEA want to take credit for it.

For a more pessimistic (and more knowledgeable) opinion (an opinion that Fosco might share if he weren't trying to be a more positive person in 2009), you should read this post at Caleb Crain's remarkable blog Steamboats Are Ruining Everything. I've admired for many years Crain's scholarly work and was very pleased to come across Crain's blog recently. In fact, I'd been looking for an opportunity to plug it here at Fosco Lives!...

Which brings us to Fosco's 2009 Literacy Challenge! A challenge to you, the Fosco Lives! reader. Fosco is going to assume that anyone who regularly reads this blog has read a book in the last year, even if it was just Gossip Girl. And so, he would like to encourage you all to try to double your reading this year! That's right: double your reading in 2009. Seriously. You already watch enough TV and you spend plenty of time with your dog/kids/significant other. Do something for your brain this year. And if next year the NEA finds that reading increased again in 2009, Fosco will take credit like a muthaf*cker.

Class(less) Bias

If you keep up with Sarah Palin news (and why wouldn't you? Everyone else does.), you know that she recently suggested that the media was harder on her than they are currently being on Caroline Kennedy and that this difference is due to a "class issue." I think Palin may be right, in a way. And so I actually want to take this question of a "class issue" seriously for a few minutes.

Let's just dismiss Palin's point about the media going easy on Caroline Kennedy. As Jason Linkins notes, this isn't true ("you know?"). From Kennedy's grammatical tics to questions about her lack of qualifications, the media has been on it all along. So let's just ignore Caroline Kennedy and consider Sarah Palin in isolation: did she have such a tumultuous tenure in the national spotlight because of her class? Yes, but maybe not in the obvious sense of that word.

Sarah Palin's problem is indeed a "class issue": she just doesn't have any. Seriously, is there any way to call her "classy"? Is she particularly excellent in any way? Is she particularly meritorious? Is she dignified? Elegant? She can't express a coherent thought in English. She barely graduated from college (from somewhere. And with a degree in... something). Her political experience derives from governing fewer people than live in Charlotte, North Carolina. Her immediate and extended family brings to mind nothing so much as a Spears family reunion.

But you know what's funny about Palin's complaints on this issue? She likes it that way. Her entire public image is explicitly based on her lack of class. What's strange is that she expects us to take her seriously despite this. I don't see any reason why we ought to pretend that intelligence, education, and dignity are irrelevant to holding national office (Alaska can can elect whoever it wants within its own borders). But that's a question that voters can settle (and hey, they did). It isn't the media's fault that America found Palin to be a confidently undereducated idiot (the most dangerous kind) and decided that's a bad thing. Thank goodness there are still enough people in this country who want to be governed by someone smarter than average.

As for Caroline Kennedy--even if she gets the Senate appointment, she will have to run again in two years. We'll see then how voters feel about her education, her speaking skills, and her qualifications. That's the kind of class that's important, both to voters and to the media. As for Governor MooseMunch? Well, maybe she could start by trying to read a book.

Headlines of the Day

By last night, Fosco had a full day of posts planned for today--and then all kinds of great stories showed up in the news today. There is nothing to do but to condense them all into some kind of "Headlines Digest."

• Black support for Prop 8 may have been exaggerated. Is it time to apologize to Sherri Shepherd? (Psst: the answer is NO).
  
• For you parents out there: one in five teens are sending sexually explicit photos of themselves online or via cell phone. Some parents worry whether this will come back to haunt these teens later in life. (Not unless they're stupid enough to include their faces.)
  
• Apparently, Bristol Palin is a teen role model for Alaskans. At least that seems to be the appropriate conclusion for Alaska's nineteen percent increase in teen pregnancy this year. Why is it that the states with the highest rates of teen pregnancy (Mississippi, Texas, Alaska) are also some of the most committed to religious "abstinence only" sex ed? Hmmm. Let's hope that Alaskan teens choose better names than "Twink" for their kids.
  
• Obama will nominate TV doctor Sanjay Gupta for Surgeon General. Why is this a bad idea? Well, Dr. Gupta may be an apologist for HMOs. He may also be a dick. By the way, does this mean that Greta Van Susteren should be Attorney General?

From the Annals of Books No One Wants to Read

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

True Love Doesn't Wait (Duh!)

What everyone except your idiot pastor already knew:

Think back to your teen years... raise your hand if you've had sex with someone who wanted to stay a virgin until marriage (N.B., there is no such thing as an "anal sex loophole"). Yes, I thought so.

Of course, this would just be good for another belly laugh at the expense of misguided and pointless campaigns like True Love Waits (which is a stupid idea but a great Radiohead song); that is, if it didn't appear that these ineffective virginity pledges are actually associated with decreased use of sexual protection and birth control. As the article notes:

Teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do, according to a study released today.

For those of you who need me to spell it out, this means increased risk of sexually transmitted disease as well as teen pregnancy (both things that we probably would like to avoid on a societal level).

So by all means, America: keep up this whole virginity-pledge thing in lieu of real, effective sex education. Heck, it worked out well for Bristol Palin--her pregnancy has allowed her to lock down high-school dropout and sex on skates, Levi Johnston. She's one lucky woman.

Buy Rand-McNally Stock

Reasonable people can argue about the outcome of our current financial crisis: either things will eventually return to normal or never be the same again. But thank goodness there are also unreasonable people who can provide us with much-needed entertainment during this crisis. And so we have Russian political science professor Igor Panarin, who is predicting that the US will break apart in a giant civil war in the year 2010. You can read the WSJ article here.

Now while Fosco doesn't need to be convinced that secession by several Southern states (goodbye Texas!) would indeed be a desirable thing, Professor Panarin's predictions are much nuttier. Here's a good one:

California will form the nucleus of what he calls "The Californian Republic," and will be part of China or under Chinese influence.

That would certainly make it easier for Fosco to get a hold of his favorite Chinese melamine chews. But really--China? China is going to assume control of the Western US? Has this guy ever been to California? Based on recent voting trends, it seems more likely to Fosco that "The Californian Republic" would fall under Mormon control--especially as Utah is predicted to be part of the same "Californian Republic."

How silly! You know, the only thing that seems more far-fetched than a China-controlled California would be...

Canada will grab a group of Northern states Prof. Panarin calls "The Central North American Republic."

Fear the rise of Imperial Canada! Fear it! They are coming for our Great Lakes! Although, come to think of it, most Midwesterners might not mind doing business in a stable and valuable currency.

Need more laughs? Here's the full map:

Actually, maybe the best part is the return of Alaska to Russia. Luckily, Alaska has someone someone who knows a lot about Russia.

So what does this mean? Well, Fosco is going to celebrate July 4th like a mofo this year, because apparently it will be the last one.

Your Africa Update

One of the things that Fosco learned this past academic quarter is that there is no excuse to ignore the Third World. As residents of the richest country on earth, we cannot pretend that our lifestyle has no relation to the rest of the world. Governor MooseMunch may not know that Africa is a continent, but the rest of us have no excuse. Recently, Fosco has begun to educate himself about Africa. In what will become a periodic feature here at Fosco Lives!, here is your Africa Update:

• Fosco has recently become very interested in Nigeria. The city of Lagos is one of the planet's most interesting (and most horrible) megacities. The best place to start your reading about Lagos is "The Megacity: Decoding the Chaos of Lagos" by George Packer from The New Yorker. A second accessible step would be the novel Graceland by Chris Abani. It's the story of a young Elvis impersonator trying to hustle a living in the contemporary slums of Lagos. The premise may seem too clever by half, but it's a surprisingly powerful novel. It's also written in English, which alleviates some of the potential translation problems.
  
  The recent political news from Nigeria? Strangely enough, their Supreme Court just ruled on the legitimacy of their 2007 presidential election (sound familiar?) in favor of the sitting president. President Yar'Adua plans to use this decision to consolidate his hold on power. Although Yar'Adua is apparently mildly anti-corruption (which, in Nigeria, is pretty remarkable), some observers still question the possibility of a clean Nigerian government. As Professor Yusufu Obaje notes:
  

  Any serious administration must address this issue of political illiteracy. As long as this is prevalent in our society, we cannot have free and fair election in Nigeria.

  Fosco is fascinated by this idea of political literacy--something that everyone seems to assume is prevalent in the US (probably more so than it is).
  
  Last Nigeria item: from naijablog, a video of "Ikotun, an unloved and anonymous part of Lagos."
  
  
  
  
• Welcome to Zimbabwe. Things here aren't very good right now. As you may have seen on the news, there is a widespread cholera outbreak. Zimbabwe's ruler, strongman Robert Mugabe is an absolute monster, but is he to blame for the cholera? Well, it depends. If you are a member of the reality-based community, the outbreak is clearly a result of the water and sanitation policies of Mugabe and his government. However, if you are a member of Mugabe's delusional government, then the cholera is actually a biological attack launched by either the British or the US State Department. This type of rhetoric would be funny, of course, if thousands of people weren't dying of an easily preventable disease.
  
  
• Finally, steel yourself to read about this recent massacre in the Congo. Sadly, this massacre has exposed the farce of UN peacekeeping efforts in the area:
  

  And yet, as the killings took place, a contingent of about 100 United Nations peacekeepers was less than a mile away, struggling to understand what was happening outside the gates of its base. The peacekeepers were short of equipment and men, United Nations officials said, and they were focusing on evacuating frightened aid workers and searching for a foreign journalist who had been kidnapped. Already overwhelmed, officials said, they had no intelligence capabilities or even an interpreter who could speak the necessary languages.

  Before you consign the Congo to memory oblivion, allow Fosco to note that this country is as populous as France. At some point, we are going to have to take the mental responsibility to think about places like the Congo.

[UPDATE: Please note the new list of "Africa Blogs" in the right column of Fosco Lives!]

Your Day Without Gay Fosco

Although he earlier poo-pooed the idea, Fosco is calling in gay to Fosco Lives! tomorrow. In fact, Fosco is swearing off the entire web for the day. Alas, he would love to avoid email as well, but he has a responsibility to his students...

Why the change of heart? Fosco read this excellent post, which included some convincing options for people (like Fosco) who can't skip work tomorrow but who want to make an impact nonetheless. The idea here is to efface one's presence economically:

Here are 5 ways you can make an impact tomorrow:
1. Volunteer your time and services after work
2. Do not buy anything
3. Do not watch TV or use your cell phone
4. Do not go online (yup, don’t even visit this site tomorrow)… Online advertising is everywhere and a simple page load could cause money to be spent.
5. Do not buy lunch (and don’t go out today to get what you need for lunch tomorrow), find something you already have and pack your lunch.

Fosco is going to try all of these (with an exception for his work-related email). In other words, Fosco is going to become as invisible as possible for the day. And he sure as hell won't be shopping at Urban Outfitters (but I guess that kinda goes without saying).

So what are you to do without new content on Fosco Lives! for a whole day? Well, without Fosco here to hector you about Prop H8, how will you keep up to date? Never fear: here's some Prop H8-related reading to do in your free time on Wednesday:

• The must-read article of the week is Newsweek's cover story on the relationship between religion and gay marriage. Guess what: religious fundamentalists may be misreading the bible (no! yes!). How so?
  

  The argument goes something like this statement, which the Rev. Richard A. Hunter, a United Methodist minister, gave to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in June: "The Bible and Jesus define marriage as between one man and one woman. The church cannot condone or bless same-sex marriages because this stands in opposition to Scripture and our tradition."
  
  To which there are two obvious responses: First, while the Bible and Jesus say many important things about love and family, neither explicitly defines marriage as between one man and one woman. And second, as the examples above illustrate, no sensible modern person wants marriage—theirs or anyone else's —to look in its particulars anything like what the Bible describes.

  In fact, Lisa Miller (the author) concludes that
  

  Scripture gives us no good reason why gays and lesbians should not be (civilly and religiously) married—and a number of excellent reasons why they should.

  Good, good stuff.
  
  
• A great article in the NYTimes about the new gay activism (a very heartening piece, actually). Apparently, gay youth are taking Prop H8 as a wakeup call to abandon the timid rhetoric of traditional gay rights organizations in favor of a more confrontational approach. This seems like a reasonable conclusion. The appeasement/assimilation strategy of groups like the Human Rights Campaign has clearly reached its limit. It turns out that people aren't just going to give full civil rights to gays as long as we act harmless enough. We are going to get our full civil rights when we demand them and when we do so with enough power and strength to make people listen.
  
  The other great thing about this article are the tantalizing hints of protests to come:
  

  But many activists seem unwilling to wait for a legal solution and have planned a series of events to keep the issue in the public eye, including a nationwide candlelight vigil later this month, a Million Gay March in Washington next spring and continued protests at county clerks’ offices throughout California.

  Fosco is so down for the Million Gay March.
  
  
• Think domestic partnership is an acceptable substitute for gay marriage? Here's a heartrending story by a gay man who is caring for his partner's developmentally disabled brother (luckily, there are also some heartwarming parts). Thanks, Todd for calling my attention to this piece.
  
  
• Did you ever notice how Mike Huckabee is a likable, penis-having (reputedly) Sarah Palin? He's just as crazy as she is, but he's actually appealing (and can string together complete sentences). He also seems to think that the gay civil rights struggle is not comparable to Black civil rights because Black people faced the threat of violence during their rights struggle (read the transcript). Sure, Huck... tell it to this guy:
  
  On this Day Without Gays, take a moment to think about those gays who are not with us anymore.

Monday Procrastination Tools

As if reading Fosco Lives! isn't procrastination in itself, Fosco has found several other things you could read today to avoid doing any work:

• From the Anchorage Daily News, read that Alaska's dropout rate is double the national average. Wow. Sarah Palin has done some great work.
  
• Does your sense of California superiority need a little deflating? From the HuffPo: "Can We Stop Pretending California is Green?"
  
• From Andrew Sullivan, read about The Mormon War on Gay People.
  
• From SFGate read a fascinating history by Oz's US Representative Jackie Speier about her ordeal at Jonestown. It turns out to be a really remarkable story.

Now go do some work. Or something.

What does Sarah Palin know?

When Fosco was in high school, his American History teacher was (behind-his-back) nicknamed Captain Video, because he showed films in class four days a week (yes, Fosco went to public school). While this may account for why Fosco has only a vague understanding of World War I, it does mean that Fosco has a particularly vivid historical imagination (although that imagination tends to be populated by the likes of Matthew Broderick and LeVar Burton).

Anyway, on the one day a week that we didn't watch a movie in class, Captain Video would sometimes give a "current events quiz." The desk behind me was assigned to a girl I'll call Jenny R. Jenny R. was a transfer student (from Alaska, coincidentally...). She was pretty, popular, and dumb as an air mattress (not the only thing she had in common with an air mattress... ZING!). Now because Captain V. preferred to do as little work as possible, he had us grade each others' current events quizzes (usually by having us pass them one seat forward). And so Fosco usually ended up grading Jenny R.'s quizzes.

During this time, the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was being debated in the US (yes, Fosco is that old). So, in that week's "current events" quiz, Captain Video asked the following question:

NAFTA has been in the news this week. It is a trade agreement between the United States, Canada, and Mexico. On what continent are those three countries?

I'll pause a moment to let that question sink in. Yes, my high school history teacher asked us which continent we lived on.

I think you know the punchline already.

That's right: Jenny R. got the answer wrong.

I was reminded of this story this evening when I read about another dimwit from Alaska who, based on recent reports from inside the McCain campaign, "was unable to name all the nations in North America."

The report also notes that

[Palin did not] understand that Africa was a continent rather than a single country.

Although, in her defense, I must admit that this map is rather confusing.

Of course, one of the greatest pleasures of the next week will be discovering more juicy titbits of ignorance from Governor Moosemunch (titbits that are now available as the Walnuts campaign decides to blame her for everything). But is this fair? Aren't there probably a lot of things that Sarah Palin does know about geography?

Things Sarah Palin Does Know about Geography

1. The way to San Jose. Woh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh.
   
2. Greenland is a lot smaller than it looks on a map.
   
3. Argentina speaks Spanish. Brazil speaks Portuguese. Chile primarily speaks sign language.
   
4. Real America is often left off maps, but you can find it by following the scent of cornbread and Believe.
   
5. Go to world 1-2. At the end of the level, there is a pipe, and some bricks. You must smash the second to last brick and the third to last brick as seen to the left. Now you must stand on the edge of the pipe, duck, and face left. Now jump to the right towards the one block that you didn't break, while facing left. You should slide right through the bricks. Go into the first pipe when you get to the other side. You should be warped to the minus world, the level is -1.
   
6. In Australia, kangaroos are called "roos." Although sometimes they are called "kangas."
   
7. That island on Lost is no longer where it used to be.
   
8. "Wait. There's a New Mexico?"

And I'm sure that there are at least dozens more facts in Sarah Palin's head! Stay tuned for new discoveries.

Bad Election Verbage [sic]

For those of us who care about words, it's time to dissect this interminable election. What are the worst words and phrases that you've heard during the campaign (from the media, from the candidates, from the voters)?

Glenn Greenwald kicks it off: the phrase "commander-in-chief" offends his progressive sympathies.

Fosco decided to make a list. And what better way to make a list than by using the Stephen Colbert "On Notice Board" Generator? Consider these phrases to be "On Notice" (i.e., Fosco never wants to hear any of them again--at least in connection to politics).

Join in, commenters!

Callin' for Barry

In an attempt to alleviate some of his election anxiety through action (and because he's run out of money to send to Obama-Biden), Fosco volunteered at his local Obama campaign headquarters today.

Because Fosco lives in California (which is completely "in the tank" for Obama), volunteering means making phone calls to lesser, er, "swing" states. The local HQ was hopping, with 15-20 volunteers at work (on a Sunday!). Fosco made calls for several hours to voters in Florida and Missouri.

In Florida ("America's Wang"), Fosco was calling mainly within Broward County, home of many elderly and tan. His calls in Missouri (the "Show-Me-Your-Tits State") were all over the place (as far as Fosco can tell, Missouri is made up of two cities: St. Louis and Everywhere Else).

On the whole, calling wasn't too discouraging. Floridians are mostly fatigued with election calls at this point (although that's their own fault--if they could be trusted to run a fair and efficient election...). Fosco talked to some nice Obama supporters. The McCain supporters weren't outright rude. Fosco spoke with three actual undecided voters (!), but he has no especial insight into this particular strain of psychosis (see below).

Most interestingly, Fosco did have a conversation with a Florida voter who was channeling the Crazy McCain Rally Lady. She kept asking me if Obama was from "the same people" that we're fighting over in Iraq (she didn't seem too impressed when I noted that he was born in the Sandwich Islands). However, she also said she isn't planning on voting at all, so that's just fine with Fosco.

Strangely, during the Missouri calls, Fosco found himself slipping into a mild Southern accent (droppin' his 'g's, etc.). I guess I'm just a regular Joe SixPack at heart.

Political Roundup: Just... One... More... Week...

The wait is painful. So painful. Apparently Fosco is suffering from what HuffPo calls "election anxiety." Seriously. Fosco has even found himself discussing his election anxieties with his therapist. That's right, Fosco is paying someone to listen to his fears about Sarah Palin. All of it makes Fosco want to hide in a cow-box. Can you help Fosco build a cow-box?

Fosco isn't the only one who is unbalanced by this election. As Larry David says in his election anxiety piece (find it here):

I just don't like what I've turned into -- and frankly I wasn't that crazy about me even before the turn.

Fosco can only hope that he hasn't become as annoying as Larry David (tellingly, Fosco's boyfriend Oz refuses to comment).

Here are some stories from the last week that Fosco is still obsessing about:

• Fosco never thought he'd agree with anything that comes out of the mouth of preppy asshole Fucker Tucker Carlson. So what is wrong when Fosco finds the first half of this article to be right on? Fucker Tucker:
  

  it would be nice if we stopped pretending that anyone can run the government. Anyone can't, as successive administrations have learned the hard way.

  Luckily, just when Fucker Tucker starts to sound absolutely reasonable, he throws in something more problematic:
  

  In foreign policy, at least, it could be time to drop the [idea that democracy is always a good thing]. Elitism may be annoying, but the mob is dangerous.

  Can I wait to decide on that until November 5?
  
  
• Here are some good questions about Sarah Palin:
  
  Why does she hate science so much?
  Why would a well-educated woman idealize her?
  Is she dangerous for the game of hockey?
  
  Oh, and Fosco would like to suggest that whoever coined the acronym VPILF should win the Pulitzer Prize.
  
  
• Who's getting screwed by Bushonomics? Sadly, hit hard is Fosco's childhood home of Michiana. Here's an NYT article about the hopelessness that has hit Elkhart, Indiana. The Times calls Elkhart "the white-hot center of the meltdown of the American economy." Fosco stills knows people in this town, but he didn't realize things were so bad. As the article notes:
  

  The jobless rate in Elkhart has increased more than in any metropolitan area in the country; it rose over 4.8 percentage points from August 2007 to August 2008. According to labor statistics released this summer, nearly 10,000 people were out of work, a rate of 9.3 percent.

  Even sadder, is the Times's characterization of
  

  garage sales — which for scores of people in this town are a sole source of income, and for others the only source of clothing

  The Times is apparently quite fascinated by the phenomenon of Indiana garage/yard sales, as they make another appearance this week in this article. (In this interests of full disclosure, Fosco will admit that in his lifetime he has participated in four garage sales with his family.)
  
  
  Things are so bad in Indiana, it seems, that for the first time in 44 years Indiana may vote for a Democrat for president. When Fosco heard that Indiana may turn blue, he teared up. He never thought he'd live to see it.
  
  
• Of course, there's still one problem: the Republicans are going to steal this election. You know, just like they did last time.

From the Annals of YouTube...

Fosco has been out-of-touch for so long with you, his beloved reader(s). Consequently, he is unsure if you will find this YouTube clip to be funny or just inexplicable. Sure, there is too much background sound. And sure, it goes on about a minute too long. And yes, not everyone finds pugs as compelling as does Fosco.

But still, Fosco believes there is just something funny about the confusion of OJ's unwanted houseguest Kato Kaelin with America's unwanted houseguest Sarah Palin.