Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Iowa: Oh, there's nothing halfway...

about the Iowa way to treat you--
when we treat you
which we may not do at all.

The most important thing to know about Iowans is that they can be cold as a falling thermometer in December if you ask about their weather in July. Just warning you.

I want to provide you with a representative picture for each of the states I traverse. This is what Iowa looks like. Surprisingly, Iowa is not ugly--especially since it is sandwiched between Illinois and Nebraska. These two states are Iowa's ugly friends, which allow Iowa to look even hotter when she's out cruising the bars...

I stayed at a hotel in Metro Des Moines (has that phrase ever been written?). I got the proverbial Iowa cold shoulder from the greasy-haired twink at the front desk. I chalked it up to a combination of the proverbial Iowa reserve and the frustrations of being a sissy in farm country. He was a bit less standoffish later, however, when he dropped by my room after his shift to see if I "needed anything." It turns out that I did: I needed him to moan my name. And yes, his hair was as greasy as it looked.

The ghost of Humbert hovers near and compels me to explain: "it was he who seduced me."

The next morning, I drove through famous Madison County, but did not stop--the last thing I need is some sensitive poet-farmer mooning after me. If I'm going to live out a work of fiction, I would prefer something along the lines of American Psycho or Teddy the Terrier. Will I ever meet Miss Clarissa Wags?

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