"Tastes Like Vanessa..."

You know what I'd like to see today? How about supertan teen star ZacFron eating moisturizer?


Wish granted. Thanks, Do You Like It Like That?.

I've got another puzzle for you!

A couple of weeks ago, Fosco and Oz played the role of "good gay uncles" for Oz's goddaughter (who we will continue to call "Amanda") by attending her elementary school musical: Willy Wonka Junior. It's based on Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, of course, and features many of the songs found in the original Gene Wilder film.

You know what's best about Amanda's elementary school? The "street" names. Welcome to "Megaskills Avenue," my friends.


The show itself was a pretty typical elementary school production. Half of the actors stared directly at their parents. More than half of the song lyrics were indecipherable. Nearly eighty percent of the dialogue was too quiet to hear or too garbled to understand. Strangely enough, most of the main roles (Charlie, Wonka, etc.) were played by more than one student--they switched about halfway through the show. This was surprisingly confusing. Even weirder, one of the Charlies was a girl. Here's the non-girl (or "boy") Charlie, with Grampa Joe and Willy Wonka himself:


Oz's goddaughter was one of (many, many) Oompa Loompas and their costumes were the most adorable. She was definitely the best of the Oompa Loompas, even if this proud "uncle" says so himself.


The set was actually pretty decent:


If it sounds like the whole thing was a nightmare, you're wrong. It was actually a complete hoot. As long as you don't care about actual theater.

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New Moon on Thursday

You may recall that in his review, Fosco went all Chris Brown on tween pulp sensation Twilight. Despite his generally harsh reaction to the book, Fosco did admit that he kinda enjoyed it and was willing to give the second book, New Moon, a try. Well, both Fosco and Oz read New Moon this week, and we are pleased to report that it is much better than the first book! In fact, Fosco would be willing to say that he liked this book a lot.

Of course, a number of the deficiencies of Twilight remain unfixed. There's still absolutely nothing approaching sex in the books. In fact, tongue-kissing is still mostly verboten. For lots of vampire fans, that is probably a deal-breaker. And Stephenie Meyer still can't write a climax scene that doesn't feel like a complete letdown. And her prose is still occasionally purpler than one might like. And both Oz and I would still like to see a good fight scene.

However, certain things have improved with this book. Meyer seems to have had a competent editor (finally!). The vampire mythos has been filled out in several important ways. Things that seemed like loose ends in the first book have been picked up and developed. Some of the silly religious stuff has been toned down. Or maybe I'm just becoming inured to some of the bad stuff.

But even beyond these improvements, there is some stuff in this book that is actually quite good. The werewolf plot is really interesting and provides a great conflictual "hook." Bella's depression at being abandoned is really extreme and pathetic, but that's the point, right? Fosco found himself really surprisingly affected by the "hole in her chest"--losing someone you love is actually a lot like Meyer describes. The emotions in this book are a lot more explicable to Fosco than the ones in the first book.

And best of all, Meyer finally provides us (and Bella) with an opportunity to take sides. Vampire or werewolf? Should Bella choose her soulmate, the brooding and unreliable Edward (vampire)? Or should she choose the loyal and handsome Jacob who wants nothing other than to make her happy and keep her safe (werewolf)? (N.B.: Oz votes Edward, Fosco votes Jacob.)

Which means, of course, that Fosco and Oz are moving on to Book 3 with much eagerness! Stay tuned.

Fosco Reads What Your Nieces Are Reading

Succumbing to the pestering of several people in his life, Fosco finally read YA lit juggernaut Twilight this week. In case you've been living in Wasilla, Alaska for the past year, Twilight was a genuine pop culture phenomenon in 2008--and not just for teens and tweens. Apparently, there is a large group of Americans who want(ed) to date a vampire in high school. Or, as frequent Fosco Lives! commenter The BeeMistress put it: "everyone needs a boyfriend that sparkles." True enough: Fosco regularly sprinkles Oz with glitter while he sleeps.

So what can Fosco say about Twilight? Well, the short answer is that it's not as bad as he thought it would be (although it's not "good" by any means). It's even appealing enough for Fosco to read the next book in the series (he'll keep you updated with that project). And there are some interesting innovations that Mormon authoress Stephenie Meyer makes in the standard vampire lore, like the aforementioned sparkliness of vampires (but only in direct sunlight).

And yet, at the same time, most of the book is a big ol' mess--from the standpoints of originality, consistency, narrative, and politics. Here are some of Fosco's observations:

• The story is about a high school girl who falls in love with a vampire who resists his natural urges to feed on humans. Yet, they can never consummate their love physically. In the end, he takes her to prom. You know, I actually liked that story quite a bit when I heard it the first time--when it was called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
  
• This is less a fantasy novel than a romance novel. If you're looking for Harry Potter or The Golden Compass, you'll be disappointed. There is the skeleton of an adventure story in the book, but it is downplayed (even at its climax) by the romance. One might suggest that the "suspenseful" preface is misleading, as it suggests a much more eventful novel. I think Meyer was pretty careless there.
  
• Speaking of careless: on page 97, our heroine Bella gets nauseous and almost faints at the sight of blood. Forty pages earlier, in the emergency room, she watches as classmate Tyler is treated for cuts:
  

  I recognized Tyler Crowley from my Government class beneath the bloodstained bandages wrapped tightly around his head.
  [...]
  As we spoke, nurses began unwinding his soiled bandages, exposing a myriad of shallow slices all over his forehead and left cheek.

  Hmmm. It makes you wonder if anyone edited this book at all.
  
• Why does Bella, who is apparently a good student, have to hate math? Could we maybe someday find a girl in fiction who likes math? Or who doesn't really care either way? Some parts of this novel read like they were written by Larry Summers.
  
• Maybe I will sound like a teen boy here, but shouldn't there be some fighting in a novel about vampires? And if you are going to describe the one very specific way that vampires can be killed, shouldn't that actually happen somewhere in the novel? It's not that I need violence; it's just that there was an implicit promise of maybe just a little...
  
• Here's a weird little sentence:
  

  I concentrated on the news, watching out for stories about Florida, or about [baseball] spring training--strikes or hurricanes or terrorist attacks--anything that might send them home early. (421)

  Why would anyone think to include "terrorist attacks" on a list of things that might cancel baseball spring training? It just seems like a ludicrous thought. If I'd been editing this novel (and somebody should have been), I would have crossed that out immediately.
  
• Is it possible that the whole novel is just religious propaganda for sexual abstinence?
  
• And speaking of propaganda, can you imagine a Creationist vampire? Vampire Edward:
  

  "Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?" (308)

  I'm not sure what Edward has been doing with his time since he became a vampire in 1918, but apparently college hasn't been part of it.
  
• You know what this book is? It's tween girl p*rn. I use the word p*rn here in the sense of material that is designed to evoke comforting yet unrealistic fantasies on the part of specific consumers. (And I don't use the actual word here because I don't really fancy either Google or the FBI coming across a phrase like "tween girl p*rn" on this website.) And what tween girl fantasy is in play here? Think about this:
  

  While he walked me to English, when he met me after Spanish, all through the lunch hour, he questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence. Movies I'd liked and hated, the few places I'd been and the many places I wanted to go, and books--endlessly books.
  I couldn't remember the last time I'd talked so much. More often than not, I felt self-conscious, certain I must be boring him. But the absolute absorption of his face, and his never-ending stream of questions, compelled me to continue. (229)

  (I'll note here in passing that, despite their shared interest in "books--endlessly books," never do we see Edward reading one and we certainly never see him and Bella discussing one. Books just aren't sexy enough to make it into this narrative.) So what tween girl fantasy is being served here? Clearly, it's the fantasy of a (gorgeous) boy who wants to know everything about them--and who finds it all totally fascinating. Our culture has spent the better part of the last few decades convincing our children that each and every one of them is a precious unique snowflake; naturally, the next logical step is for these snowflake children to want to talk (endlessly) about what makes them so precious and unique.
  
  Now I'm not saying that each child isn't genetically unique and morally precious; however, I am saying that there is no tween girl (or boy) in this country that has anything interesting to say about their interests, their thoughts, or their lives. They all like the Jonas Brothers, they all wish their parents would treat them more like adults, and they all want to go to the beach for summer vacation. More or less. But before you think I'm being unfair to tweens, let me note that there are very few adults who are more interesting. Most of us like Coldplay, wish we didn't have to work, and want a new flat-screen television (I know I do). My point here is that "every insignificant detail of [our] existence" is just not interesting. Ever. And you just aren't going to find someone (especially someone as gorgeous as Edward) who is actually that interested in it. Either that person is faking or brain-damaged.
  
  But wait, you say, what's wrong with reading a book that plays to this fantasy? Isn't YA lit all about fantasy? I guess. There is certainly something to be said for escapism. But isn't YA lit also about finding ways to negotiate the adult world? And in the same way that gay porn is a pretty bad guide to the real world of sex (the pizza delivery boy is never hot in real life and, even if he were, he would never join Fosco and Oz for a threesome), books like Twilight are not going to be very helpful when it comes to crafting a meaningful romantic relationship.
  

As you probably know from reading this blog, Fosco is not above trashy books (does Gossip Girl ring a bell?). And so, even with all these flaws, Fosco isn't going to advocate burning Twilight in a giant Sarah Palin-inspired bonfire. However, he can still wish it were a better, less silly book. And he can also wish for a more thoughtful, more intelligent heir to the Harry Potter "tweentertainment" throne.

Two Armies Clash in the Mushroom Kingdom...

Oz's flatmate has an eleven-year-old daughter who comes by on weekends. This past weekend, she was working on a project (for junior high) that required her to create her own chess set (Fosco's junior high never assigned creative projects like that; and I'm not sure any of the teachers knew what "chess" is.). She came up with the idea to make an all Super Mario chess set. She and her dad spent much of last week sculpting the characters out of clay. Oz pitched in and sculpted one of the Yoshi figurines. Fosco's contribution was to doubt from afar that the whole thing would work (he's an eternal pessimist).

It turns out Fosco was wrong, because it came out totally cool. Here are the "good guys":

The "bad guys" are a little trickier: who would you pair up as the King and Queen? Oddly enough, L chose to make a cross-species evil romance between Bowser and Donkey Kong. And no, I'm not sure who's the top and who's the bottom. But it's still cool.

The Bishops there are Mario and Luigi's evil doppelgangers, Wario and Waluigi (for those of you who stopped following all of this sometime around Super Mario World). Here's the detail:

Remember: this is done entirely with clay and poster paints (no molds or models)! Impressive, no?

Bring Me The Jonas Brothers!

Fosco doesn't much like kids. As far as he's concerned, kids are just adults who don't know how to carry on a decent conversation. So he's a little surprised to discover that he thinks the Obama girls are adorable.

Now part of it is clearly their Inaugural outfits, which Fosco thinks are absolute perfection. He's just never seen kids look that cute. But even beyond that, there is something kinda appealing about little Malia and Sasha. Not that Fosco would probably ever want to talk to them (or, God forbid, babysit them).

However, Fosco does find himself thinking that these girls should be spoiled in every possible way during their stay in the White House--regardless of the cost to the American taxpayers. Basically, I think the White House needs to be turned into the Neverland Ranch, but without handsy "Uncle Michael."

Luckily, this process has already begun. According to this piece in People:

While their parents were making their rounds at 10 inaugural balls, the girls entertained new pals from the Sidwell Friends school – and had a surprise visit from the Jonas Brothers.

In a scavenger hunt designed to help Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, get familiar with the White House, hiding at the end in the East Room was certainly an all-American treat: Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas!

[...]

The Jonas Brothers, who came with their parents, were snuck in through the East Portico and played three acoustic songs and posed for photos with each of the young guests at the party.

The story goes on to note that the Jonas Brothers will be the first residents of the new White House "Tween Habitat," designed to provide living quarters and display space for over thirty celebrities and entertainers of Malia and Sasha's choice. During their time in captivity, the Jonas Brothers will be fed and cared for by a specially-trained staff. Portions of the "Tween Habitat" are designed to simulate the situations that the Jonas Brothers would normally experience "in the wild," including theme areas called "Disney Store Autograph Session," "Backstage at the Kids' Choice Awards," and "Fingerbang with Taylor Swift." While the Jonases will be allowed to spend their free time as they choose, they will be required to perform twice a day (once on Sundays) for the duration of President Obama's term.

Future residents of the Tween Habitat will likely include Demi Lovato, Zac Efron, and Senator Joe Lieberman (dressed as Yasmin from Bratz).

Bachelorette Party Musical

You may have noticed that Fosco is occasionally obsessed with the teen-ish stars of the High School Musical franchise. He especially likes it when they do things like tan too much, get nose jobs, or show off their naughty bits (while running Windows Vista).

And how cute are ZacFron and VanHudge as a "couple"? They photograph as so very much in love! They photograph so heterosexual with each other that ZacFron could never be gay.

And here's another fun photo:

Yes, that's Zac and Van with a fan in the adult section of a party store, posing in front of mildly-racy kitsch like tiny plastic penises.

What were they doing there? Fosco's sources tell him that Zac was cooking dinner for Van and needed some penis pasta to make with Alfredo sauce. Oh, and he needed a cock ring.

"HO, HO, HO! Zach has Herpes."

Fosco used to have the biggest crush on girl-boy Taylor Hanson of the original tween-music-sensation-band Hanson. Taylor was just so beautiful in that androgy-twink kind of way (on the left on the CD cover to the right). When he sang "MMMBop," Fosco always melted (Taylor was always the real talent in that band). Fosco had a Hanson calendar and everything! Of course, that was all years ago, when Fosco was like, um, 25.

Of course, Fosco is all grown up now. And so is Taylor. He's got facial hair. He's had his home-school graduation. Heck, he's even married with four children! Yes, it seems that Taylor and his (loser!) wife just had their fourth child. They named the boy "Viggo" to join their other children: Ezra, River, and Penelope. Hmmm, at least none of them are named Trail, Dish, or Fang.

Actually, the most shocking part of the People Exclusive! is that the other Hanson brothers, Isaac and Zac, are also married--TO EACH OTHER! And, apparently, this very nontraditional couple has ADOPTED KIDS! Yes, it appears to be true:

The growing Hanson family also includes their cousins, Isaac and Zac's kids, Everett, 1, Shepherd, 6 months, and Monroe, 5 months.

No matter what the rest of the world says, Fosco wishes Isaac and Zac only the best for their relationship. I'm sure they're very much in love.

Because it's the Christmas season and Fosco is blogging about Hanson, he cannot resist pointing you in the direction of one of his favorite humorous essays by Jon Stewart. You can find the text of Stewart's "A VERY HANSON CHRISTMAS, 1996-1999" here. It's very short and completely hilarious. Stewart imagines the Hanson Christmas letters from three very eventful years. Fosco's favorite line has been used to title this blog post. Fosco's second favorite line?:

I still have more money than any of you will ever have in a lifetime of being paid by the government not to grow corn.

Merry Christmas, indeed, my friends.

Pop Music: The Littlest Mormon and more.

So Fosco is doing this pop music thing this week (with only mild complaints from his commenters). It just so happens that the last two or three weeks have been a period of much pop music consumption for Fosco--one of those semi-annual periods where he decides to get back in touch with his inner brainwashed-music-consumer.

And what better way to get reacquainted with pop music than the American Idol double whammy? That's CDs by AI winner David Cook and runner-up David Archuleta, released within a week of each other in mid-November.

Now, Fosco has never watched much AI (that's really more the department of his boyfriend Oz). However, these two guys are pretty blockbuster and it would be silly not to give them a listen.

Let's start with David Cook. For those of you who never watched AI, he's the "rocker." You can tell because he has facial hair. His eponymous debut CD has lots of rockin' guitars and some pretty rockin' song titles (like "Bar-ba-sol"--that's rockin'). As music goes, it's pretty inoffensive. Actually, it's all strangely familiar, as every one of the songs mimics a previously released song by another band. When Fosco played his favorite track ("I Did It for You") for Oz, Oz noted that he liked the song better when it was called "Stop and Stare" and it was performed by One Republic. That pretty much illustrates the problem with David Cook. He's a copy--a pretty decent copy, but still a copy. He sings like he's auditioning to lead a Nickelback cover band and he looks like a pre-highlights Dominic Monaghan.

Fosco is much more interested in David Archuleta, the Littlest Mormon. Seriously, that boy is like 4'5". And he's just so darling. Like a little (gay, yet repressed) elf.

I wish I could say that David A.'s CD is the next big thing, but it's not. It's better than David C.'s disc and has a few catchy songs, but that's about it. The first single is infectious (trust Fosco and his insomnia) and the video raises all kinds of interesting questions about which boy David wants to go swimming with. But even so, the song isn't the right setting for the strength of his voice.

One of the most interesting questions about this CD is how Wee David manages his sexual persona. After all, he has a legion of tween fans (called Arch Angels) who are just starting to feel tingly in certain places. And I mean look at that kid: has there ever been a pop music star who is less sexualized (including Jordy)?

It turns out that David's awkward sexuality is what makes so much of his CD fun to listen to. Consider these lyrics from the song "Touch My Hand":

Saw you from a distance
Saw you from the stage
Something about the look in your eyes
Something about your beautiful face

In a sea of people
There is only you
I never knew what the song was about
But suddenly now I do

Try to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band

Up until that last line, it's just a typical song about a connection between singing David and the adoring tween fan in the crowd. But then what happens? Suddenly, things get creepy. Only me, only you, and the band. Why is band involved here? Is he proposing what I think he's proposing? Or is this some kind of weird reverse plural marriage?

HSM Week: VanHudge Lives Better than You Do

Now that you've seen too much of High School Musical 3 star Vanessa Hudgens, you can imagine that semi-nude teen puttering around her very own house (recession be damned!).

It's in LA, it cost almost three million, and it sounds pretty shmoove:

There are six bedrooms and 6 1/2 bathrooms in 5,200 square feet. The property has a Pebble Tec pool and spa, waterfalls, cabana and a barbecue island. The kitchen has Thermador appliances and copper sinks. There is a wine cellar with glass doors and Mexican wrought iron.

Six bedrooms. Just think about how many scented candles and Christmas lights she'll use to decorate!

Smells Like Teen Idiocy

Fosco doesn't know any teenagers. He does know a few tweens and can already foresee the day ahead those sweet little girls will stop licking the lead paint off their Bratz dolls to become brilliant young adults. And what's in store for these future teenagers?

From an article in the New York Times:

[Halpern] was surprised to uncover studies demonstrating that 31 percent of American teenagers had the honest expectation that they would one day be famous and that 80 percent thought of themselves as truly important. (The figure from the same study conducted in the 1950s was 12 percent.)

From an editorial in the San Francisco Chronicle:

But most of all, [an Oakland public school teacher] simply observes his students, year to year, noting all the obvious evidence of teens' decreasing abilities when confronted with even the most basic intellectual tasks, from understanding simple history to working through moderately complex ideas to even (in a couple of recent examples that particularly distressed him) being able to define the words "agriculture," or even "democracy." Not a single student could do it.

Really.

Obviously, Paris Hilton is the model here: someone important and famous with less than a fifth-grade education. But can we allow this continue? Are there enough ultra lounges in our country to handle all of these future VIPs? And what of our nation's supply of precious, precious cocaine? I foresee shortages. And what of our teen boys? How will they become famous with no vagina to flash to the paparazzi?

In other news, all teenagers (including the poor and disadvantaged) of (supposedly) Third-World Venezuela are provided with free orchestral instruments and musical training. Where would you rather live?